Entry 169: A Hand to Reach For

There is no way to escape that this year is quickly coming to a close. It’s caused me to look over at what's happened during this year and I really can’t help but find tears in my eyes. The reality is hitting me more and more, yet I’m still up against an immense amount of pressure. I’m ready for a release. I’m ready for those open arms of acceptance that will protect me. Yet, it’s not time for that right now. I’ve still got to fight. I’ve still got to be so very, very STRONG.

This is where I’m having to yank myself by the ear to do the right thing because my body is starting to shut down on me. But I can’t quit. I can’t give up. I’ve GOT to keep going!!

But the harsh reality is setting in.

I don’t know why the Lord’s felt this was the time to break my heart twice, BACK TO BACK!!! The parallels… the similarities of details…

But this continuous stream of beatings…

Lord, how much more am I to take of this?!!? How much more till you really deliver me?! When will you vindicate me? When will you finally do the unveiling? When will all that’s been secret be made manifest!?!

And now I’m being faced with abandonment all over again…

Lord, you are the ONLY Person who doesn’t EVER let me down. I don’t always understand your ways, but you NEVER abandon me. You NEVER leave me!!!! You are the ONLY one I can ever count on!!!! I know You hear me. I know You’re with me. I need you tonight, Lord.

There are so many things that burn in my heart. So many hopes and dreams…

So I choose to forgive the parties who have turned their backs on me. I choose to forgive the ones who have spoken against me with such disgust. I choose to forgive them, not because I don’t understand what they did, but because I DO understand what they did! I am, with open eyes, extending mercy towards them. I give you this hardened heart that’s been forming. I don’t want it. I don’t want anything to be as a hindrance between us, and a hardened heart will be just that. Give me Your eyes to see the situation perfectly. Help me to have the wisdom to say and do the right thing. I choose to forgive them because they know not what they do.

I know what I want, Lord.

But only You can make it happen…