I’m right at the end… I’m almost there…
And I’m fighting with everything I’ve got!!
In just a couple of days (on Saturday) I will be moving out of Rhode Island. I will be spending the entire day on Sunday in Tennessee and get the things I left at my boss’s house. And on Monday I will be venturing to my next destination: Port Charlotte, Florida.
The possibilities are endless!!
But so are the realities…
I’ve already been in tears just THINKING about going back to Tennessee at this point. And to know how close I will be to someone I know in Virginia…
And then… the questions have already begun about me going to Port Charlotte again.
All the “why’s” are popping up.
And… well… I already know that people are going to look at me as though I failed. I’m ALREADY getting this and I’ve not even left to get there yet!!!!
I was prepared to go back to Virginia/Tennessee.
I was NOT prepared to face the judgment I’m walking right into.
The good news is that I’ve been alone, and just ME, for the last nine months that if I do end up being completely ostracized, I know I can handle it. If every single person that I know rejects me, I’ll be okay. You don’t go and be in complete isolation without learning a few things. The Lord’s taught me well. It’s been a LONG time since I’ve felt lonely, regardless of how few people I’m around.
I’ve also taken into consideration that if I find that I’m in a position where my “friends” just want to rip apart everything I did, or are just wanting information, then I will walk away, no problem. I would rather be alone than with the wrong company. I'm not desperate for friends.
I don’t have to convince anyone that I’ve got fruit. My fruit will speak for itself. I don’t have to prove to anyone my every single motive. I ALREADY know what people think as far as WHY I moved to Tennessee, but if only the Lord and I know the truth, then whatever. Then that’s just the way it’ll be.
Same thing with my decisions about my son. Someone who wants to pass judgment and seriously question my integrity and motives doesn’t know me in the slightest!! Anyone who knows how hard I fought about things concerning my son and STILL decides to pass judgment on me… wow. Were you EVER my friend!?!?!
Well, in any case, I’ve just got to remember to keep my mouth shut, no matter who, or what, provokes me. I can tell I’m going to seriously have to buckle myself down to get in the right mindset. There’s so much pressure coming at me from EVERY SINGLE ANGLE right now.
It’s everything to keep reminding myself of what I’ve got to look forward to. And it’s not that I have a problem being optimistic or anything, but just that I’m having to DEAL with SO much that if I allow myself too much slack I’m going to drown. Me rising above is the ONLY thing that will save me.
These next three mornings especially I’ve GOT to rise early and be with the Lord. There is NO way I can do all that I’ve got to do if I don’t put first things first. And I KNOW the peace of God and how truly awesome it is to NOT be even TOUCHED by what‘s going on around me! But, I am also walking proof that if you allow things to come in, little by little, they rob you of that peace!
Offense, unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, hurt, confusion, etc…
And that turns into a hindrance.
I cannot afford hindrances!! Someone is waiting on the other side of my obedience.
And maybe that person… is you!
Sigh…
Whatever happens, I can handle it. Though He slays me, I will STILL trust in Him!! There is NO WAY that He’d allow all of these things happen to me, one right after another, if He didn’t have a plan. There’s NO WAY He would continuously break my heart to not set it right! He wouldn’t remove people from my life to leave holes, but to fill those gaps with REAL friends…
And with someone who actually loves ME.
And with others who will be as my family… where my own is absent.
I read something tonight that’s gotten me mad, which is partially why this entry sounds the way it does. It talked about letting people go. It said that when someone walks out of your life, to just let them.
And, of course, the two people who broke my heart are at the forefront of my mind in hearing that. And, for those of you who don’t know, one is the man I’ve been in love with for 2 ½ years, but have known since the 4th grade. The other is my very own brother. There are so many parallels, right up to where they BOTH just recently got engaged- QUICKLY. One I waited to be around for just a couple of years, while I waited 14 YEARS to be around my own brother again. So, to me, it’s kind of like if I just “let go” of the man, then I’m completely “letting go” of my brother. I know they are two individuals, but… it’s like there is a definite connection that I just… I just can’t put my finger on.
You have to FIGHT for the relationships in your life!!!
If I had just let people go, then I would NOT have the relationships I have today. Period!!
With one of my friends, it took me a whole year and a half of writing them letters before they would even SPEAK to me on the phone!! And now I find that this girl thinks of me as the ONE TRUE FRIEND she’s had during all of these years. Why?! BECAUSE I WAS THERE FOR HER NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!
Another friend and I were extremely close, but things got in the way and we went for these long spurts of not talking. Then, I realized that I didn’t care about the stuff in her life that I didn’t like, I loved HER!!! And I kept on it and kept on it and now I have the SAME kind of results as the first. And this one is completely loyal to me, as I am to her. And again, she knows I’m her ONE TRUE FRIEND because I’m THERE!!!!
If I was just about letting people go, then I wouldn’t have contacted and reunited with my father after nine years of separation. I had every single “right” to not EVER speak or be around him again. And then, when other things happened in 2010 that were really awful, I, again, had even MORE right to not give that man the time of day. However, because I love the Lord more than I do in holding onto unforgiveness, I could HONESTLY even write him on Father’s Day that I wouldn’t trade him in for the world… AND MEANT IT!! I also make sure I update him and remind him that I love him from time to time. This wouldn’t have happened if I had let him go.
Furthermore, the ONLY reason why my mother and I have such a good relationship right now is because I didn’t let her go!!!! I pursued and was determined that we could have a GREAT relationship… and I am FINALLY reaping a harvest!!!
Had I just “let go” of so many others in my life… I would have done them, and me, a disservice. Just because someone is difficult to be around doesn’t mean they’re not supposed to be in your life. Just because things get hard doesn’t mean that it’s time to throw in the towel.
It’s time more people learn how to be faithful and really WALK in God’s agape love instead of just talking about it!!!
And you know what!?
Agape love is a “no strings attached” love. You can love that person and keep it alive even if the don’t return that love!!! It’s a FREEING love, not a stranglehold kind of love. It’s letting that person know you believe in THEM, even if they despise YOU!!!
And that’s what I’m trying to say, I suppose.
I BELIEVE in the two that have broken my heart, both the man I’ve loved and my brother. I cannot give up on that…
If I give up on that, then I may as well say that I don’t think the Lord could ever change them. And that’s a lie!!!
Now, I have every single NATURAL right to turn my face from both of them, for they BOTH sure didn’t waste any time in turning theirs from me.
But I don’t believe that the Lord’s been revealing the similarities, in such depth as He has, for me to just walk away. The Lord doesn’t reveal to you someone for you to just shrug your shoulders and get bitter and scoff at them for all they’ve done wrong towards you.
There’s a reason…
Hmm…
How much can a hardened heart ruin the willingness one has… to pray for another who‘s hurt you!?
The Lord works in these continuous seasons of seedtime and harvest. No matter where you are, or what you’re doing, you’re sowing and reaping ALL THE TIME!!! It just depends on the time of the season. Right now, I’m at a harvest. But it’s not a full harvest. There’s still more ground to cover, but He’s given me this period to be realigned.
I’m coming out of the wilderness.
So… what is Suzanne going to do? Or NOT do?
There is only ONE narrow road that Suzanne is supposed to follow that lines up with God’s perfect will.
THAT is what I’m after.
The road HE paves is the only one that holds all my dreams. Only He knows how to bring them all to pass… I don’t!
I’m curious as to what I’ll find when I get up in some hours and get to spend the early morning hours with Him before going off about my busy day.
What is it about this “letting go” thing that’s gotten me SO mad this evening!?
What is going on!?
What are you showing me, Lord!?
Why is simply writing about that article suddenly bringing out the FIGHT in me!?
Hmm…
You know, there is a man who PURPOSELY came to see me today. This is the second time over just the last few days. And this time he came to say goodbye to me. As we hugged, for now our second time, I actually went ahead and gave him a kiss on his cheek. The last man I kissed on the cheek was my brother. And before him was the man I loved. But I did. I kissed him… and he kissed me back.
Why did I kiss him?
Because I felt safe with him. The few times I got to put my hand in his took my breath. His hand was always warm and felt strong, like he could LEAD me. And when my hand would be in his I felt like a woman. A REAL woman. Feminine and as the weaker vessel, but not meaning WEAK. Like… I was being protected! And when I hugged him for the first time on Christmas, I felt like I could just let go and not be strong every single second of the day!!
I found out that as I met him a few months ago, he’s made so many changes with his life that he’s like a completely different person now. And this “new” person is SO very attractive to me. He would ask me things and you could SEE the compassion and hear it. I never felt threatened by him.
And I liked smiling at him from across the room from time to time…
Maybe that’s part of it.
I have spent about the last 2 ½ years WAITING, not dating.
And if you want to completely analyze my entire life, you could say that I’ve been waiting 29 years to really “date” someone with courtship in mind.
This hasn’t all happened by chance.
How do I say what's going through my mind right now???
Hmm... If this man went and made all of these changes in just the last three months, then why can’t someone else do the same?! If I’ve made as many MONUMENTAL changes in my OWN life, then why can’t someone else!?
I am a VERY forgiving person…
If that NEW MAN came for me… I mean REALLY came for me…
If he made the changes to BE faithful and treat me and love me the way as Christ loves the church. If he knew that he had before him a virtuous woman and came after me as though he understood that my price is FAR above rubies…
If that NEW MAN were to make an appearance and BE the man God’s called him to be. BE the man that I KNOW is in there. BE the man that knows how to take my breath and make me feel so beautiful and alive. BE the man who brings out the writer in me. BE the man who brings out my strength and makes me WANT to be a better woman…
I am already complete in Christ. I don’t NEED a man to make me feel whole. I already AM whole WITHOUT a man…
If he were to SHOW me in word, as well as in deed, what it would take to win my heart…
(For I’ve ALREADY proven myself faithful and loyal…)
Maybe… just maybe…
Sigh…
All I want is God’s best.
And... well... whomever you are… rest assured...
I’ll Be Waiting For You…
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