One of the hardest and most confusing times we come in contact with is when we do our best to follow the Lord, get confirmations in the Word and other sources, only to find everything to go... wrong. But maybe that is just our PERCEPTION. Hmm... Think on that. Maybe we were SUPPOSED to get our hearts broken. Maybe we were SUPPOSED to have close to no food or money, for a time, especially when everything still somehow got taken care of- and were never without the things we really needed. Maybe it wasn't a mistake that we got abandoned and were rejected and ostracized. Maybe we go through great times of sorrow and struggle to get us to fall on our knees and to start looking UP. I say ALL of this from a very REAL standpoint. I've had each thing listed happen to me over the last year... yet heavily amplified. I can honestly say that had I been told all of the wonderful things I had hoped to have heard from the man I loved dearly, it would have GREATLY hindered me. I wasn't ready. The Lord was still burning away the baggage I still carried. The Lord wishes to present me as a spotless bride, without blemish. And with the abundance of change and trials I have since endured after that man... It's only now, as I stand as a lady in waiting, single, that I am more confident of what I want and whose and who I really am. It is easy for me to turn down dates now. They aren't what I want... no exceptions... thus far. I just keep my mind on the Lord and whatever it is He is dealing with me on, and I trust Him to ADD me to someone when the time is right. There is no rush. I am now... walking. To put words to where I am almost seems vain, for I wish for you to SEE me with your eyes and not merely read my words. The richness of my heart has expanded into my actions. My love grows more fervent. The passion lies just behind my eyes. I wish ill will towards no one that has wounded me, which is why I can speak so freely about my last year. And... to be healed of plantar's fasciitis has only catapulted me in how merciful my Lord is. It's humbling to come to Him. I sometimes feel like a child as I sometimes tear up as I confess new layers of ugliness He's shown me I still possess. I come to Him as I would my husband. I expect that He will fill every gap I have with the love I so long for... and He does!! I don't feel guilty for desiring to share my life with someone, for I know this is something He has placed in me Himself. It does seem strange to be 29 and not know what it's like to REALLY be taken out on REAL dates... However, I know what it's like to go out and spend my days with the Lord. He'll lead me from one location to another. I've even been taken to the movies and He would minister to me during it. Or, I might cry during a scene and I can talk to Him and He comforts me. I may not have a hand to hold, or a chest to fall into... but the Lord is ALWAYS a gentleman with me. He makes me feel safe. He doesn't correct me when I need comfort. He doesn't belittle me or make me feel like I'm not enough. Instead, I only grow in confidence because I know He is for me. I know He thinks I am beautiful. That might sound vain, but it's not. If the Lord thinks me beautiful, who am I to disagree?! But what makes me beautiful is my HEART. See, I'm not merely speaking of outward beauty. What comes out of me is of utmost importance. To know that I've been waiting and not dating these last 2 1/2 years for my Boaz to come for me is joy. I honestly don't want to share myself with another man that isn't my husband. I don't want to give away portions of me that only ONE man should have the privilege of seeing and tasting. Only one man should know the woman behind my smile. And that's why it's easy to say "no" to men now. I'm not as afraid. I can easily see I'm not really what they're looking for. I can easily see they're not what I am looking for either. I know what I want. But... even when I do see what I like, or what I want, I don't go after it. If the man is a REAL Boaz, he will pursue ME. I also won't win him by flirting. So, what is MY Boaz going to be attracted to?! Fruit. My heart. Yeah, I would also want for this man to be taken by my eyes and smile... but those aren't what qualify me to be as a crown to her husband, are they? I wait because of the love I have for the Lord outweighs what I desire right now. I wait because I want to be as a gift for my future husband that only HE gets to unravel. I'm already devoted to that man... And I'm not even married yet!! ;) Soon... Soon I will see God's glory. And so I continue to be as an onion before the Lord as He peels back the layers. 2012 is already proving itself as a year of shalom- nothing missing, nothing broken... Complete wholeness. And now that I can literally walk without pain (and jog!!!), I am SO excited to keep going forward! I'm excited about the ministry opportunities the Lord will continue to open up. I'm excited for the books I'll be writing. I'm looking forward to the people the Lord will bring into my path... Relationships. As long as I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I'll always be at the right place at the right time. God knows how to orchestrate things. He knows how to bring things together and make things fall apart. Trust Him. Have faith. Be daring and willing and courageous!!! In due time the promises will all become manifest if you faint not. Keep changing from glory to glory. Keep reaching... And don't stop smiling!! If the Lord broke my heart to make it whole, then thank you, Lord, for breaking it. Without it I wouldn't know the meaning of real love. Rejection, abandonment and being utterly ostracized saved me. His ways and thoughts are higher than ours. As I RAN to Him in my depression, despair and grief, He taught me FORGIVENESS. He taught me INTERCESSION. He taught me UNCONDITIONAL AGAPE LOVE. And in spite of the rejection, I found TRUE acceptance in the Lord Jesus Christ. And God has a way of saving the best for last... So it makes it easy for me to wait, for I am intrigued... Hmm... I wonder what His BEST looks like...
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