From Where I Am... To Where I'm Going

Entry 184: Pleasantly Surprised

2012-01-28T01:49:00.000-05:00

Lord... Please don't let me fall for another one that won't catch me. He's caught me so far... please, Lord... I don't want to fall for the wrong one. And that's what I'm doing... I'm falling. I feel like I'm in uncharted territory, yet I know what his is about. Rejection. I like his changes. He's like a brand new man... So many GOOD things!! Hmm... Why do I cry, Lord?! What's really going on!? I feel so clear in one sense, relaxed in another and also like things are FINALLY coming together in my life. Did all things happen for right NOW!? He's turned into a man I can trust. He is genuine. He is kind. He has a good reputation. In all honesty... I would love for him to take my hand in his. I LOVE the way his face changes when he smiles so big his eyes crinkle as the edges. I love that he meets me on whatever level of stupid joking is of the moment. Yes... The more I am around him, the more... I am falling for him. I know that's what this is!!! So what's wrong with me?! I keep checking to make sure I am not elevating him above the Lord. And I do feel peace. I am absolutely thriving at work and having HUGE success!!!! I am calm and in control of my emotions and my body. I'm not overeating at all. I feel GOOD. I'm surprised. Could this really, possibly be the man I've been waiting for? I wonder so many things. Looking over all that's happened. I mean, he used to get almost mad before when I'd come to work crying because of things the other guy put me through. He'd always tell me I'd put up with enough and have been through enough with him! I'm back at the beginning, yet SO different. When I'm with him... I'm really WITH him. No one else exists for the few moments here and there I get. He is so gentle with me, yet he does challenge me. He's the reason why I got such a good reputation in Tennessee and Rhode Island. I just didnt realize that till after coming back that it was HIS words I kept hearing inside of me. I always thought he never challenged me enough. But, the reality is that he challenged me for the long run. In addition, do you know how amazing it felt when I thanked him for something simple he did in helping me out, really appreciating it, he not only said you're welcome, but said that he noticed me struggling and that's why he was helping! Why does that mean so much!? Well, I got used to someone wio knew I struggled and... never did a single thing to HELP me. This man has a way with me where he doesn't talk to me like I'm broken, but almost... cares for me. I cannot help but cry. I'm not used to this!!! He was genuinely happy when I gave him good news. I was shocked!! Lord... I know I can love this man right. Lord... I loved touching his hand for those brief moments. Lord... I'm being honest... I would love it if he were the one who would care for and take care of me. I know this is bold of me, but I would love to be the woman carrying his child one day... To help him become a father. I would love to make him happy. I would. I don't know what You have in store, and that's okay! Thank you for allowing me to have this, even if it doesn't go the way I hope. I trust You. I know You won't let me down. Bless us , Lord. Show us the truth. Make Your path plain before us. I pray Your will be done. Thank You, Lord!

Entry 182: Wonderful Smile

2012-01-24T23:05:00.001-05:00

(I've been using my iPhone for these entries ever since my arrival in Florida. The typos add up quick and editing is sometimes impossible because of glitches and such. I apologize for wrong words being placed by spell check and for all the mistakes. It also won't let me make paragraphs!)Short and simple, I had SO much today... And got paid at the same time!! I'm still not sure what he Lord is wanting to accomplish with me being around the only man I would say yes to in a heartbeat if he were to be so brave as to ask me out. Circumstances are delaying the time from being RIGHT, but it won't be but maybe just a couple of more weeks and we could go out and it not be a conflict of interest, or, more exact, showing favoritism. There's a reason why I was adamant to NOT want to transfer back to my home store, though working there temporarily, helping me to get my full 40 hours, has only solidified WHY my choice was right and good! Hmm... I cannot help but smile at the little things he does to make things easier for ME. And when I acknowledge and thank him, for what he does really IS helping me, he lets me know that he sees me struggle and that's WHY he does it. My breath catches... He honestly looks out for me. And the compassion I see in him now, ESPECIALLY when we're around customers is so very attractive. Even his language is cleaner. And... He LETS me mess with him and he goes right along with it!! We both drag on a joke for weeks at a time. He pretends like he's going to put tape on my mouth and I just giggle and then actually rip off a piece and then smack it on his hand and tell him I'm going to help in giving him a wax job! He just lets me! He plays! He smiles and laughs and is silly with me! Today made me realize something... This man is REAL. I can touch him and see his expressions. I can talk to him. I know that he cares at least on some level. He ALWAYS offers solutions. And when I am in need, he never makes me feel inadequate. I can honestly say that I feel safe with him. I would trust him enough to do out on dates!!! And that's HUGE for me!! It's all the simple things. He was always trying to protect me BEFORE moving to Tennessee. And now that neither of us are attached to anyone and he knows I'm here to stay... I wonder... And... After knowing him now for almost 2 years... Hmm... I say with honesty that I really could fall for him. Just... am I supposed to?! I don't want to just give my heart away. So, in the meantime, I will just continue to keep my thoughts from running away with me and focus on what the Lord is showing me to do, read and pray. The Lord will work it out. I will know soon enough. But man, I sure do love to make him smile!! I wonder if he thinks the same about me...

Entry 181: Walking It Out

2012-01-23T23:51:00.001-05:00

Today I not only walked the Peace River bridge once, but TWICE! And... During my second time I went and walked all the way down through Gilchrist Park before walking back over the bridge. It's more than amazing that I have ZERO pain in my feet!! I even got to share my testimony with my son, who said he didn't even know that I had pain in my feet. Turned out to actually be another testimony because I always tell him about how to NOT complain because it just makes things worse... So he now got to be witness to how Mommy never complained about how much her feet always hurt! Thank you, Lord, You help me to be an example of what I believe to teach my son (and children to come!). In the last 24 hours I've written outlines for two sermons, which I've never done before. And the one I did tonight just flowed right out of me! He would bring a concept to my remembrance and then suddenly I knew what scripture to use to back it up. I was breaking down processes, all backed by the Word. I could SEE myself minister out what I was writing. It only took 45 minutes for me to write out 6 pages of a rough draft outline that was surprisingly organized!! As I keep giving things over to the Lord as He shows me, I become more and more clear and precise! Through sanctification AND faith I am seeing results WAY faster!! Even as I spoke to my son tonight, I saw a dramatic difference in HOW I could talk to him. Now I understand WHY there was such a block with him. Knowing the problem gave me access to FIX the problem, which really just means me handing it over to the Lord. It's knowing WHAT to submit, and what to lay down FIRST. Then, one step at a time, He shows me what to DO on MY end. It's a joint effort. That's a REAL relationship with the Lord. Now, upon the much, much studying the Lord's been leading me in, He had me pull up some old teachings. John Wesley, Andrew Murray and one from a woman minister from 1977. I am very curious as to what the Lord is doing... The recent dreams and things that are somehow pulling together... Sigh... What is He up to!? I proceed with caution, but... I can't see Satan asking me to pray for someone, so this leads me to believe it's the Lord. And it is so easy to pray for this person. Why!?!? Why now?! Hmm... I am not one to stay in being doublemindedness, so I will keep on the Lord till I know further. Hmm... But through the piece I read by Andrew Murray and the woman, the Lord was suddenly answering my questions!! I saw... TRUTH!! Wait... I've been saying that one can't do anything to fix a problem if they don't know what their dealing with, right!? Hmm... If the Lord is showing me truth... I KNOW WHAT I AM DEALING WITH!!!! Oh my! I've got it!! This makes sense! Hmm... If I am having such magnificent manifestations on my end concerning prayer for myself and my son, this only increases my faith. If through sanctification I am becoming more pure in conscience, motive, thought and deed, which is having an effect directly in my body for healing, as well as it trickling down to my son (and mom)... How much MORE effective would my prayers be for someone else?! I first have it work in me and become restored to henchmen minister it right back out! When God brings someone light, they have a choice to either cling to it or resist it. If they love their own ways more, they are this choosing darkness in their ignorance, leading to further deception. This deception then clouds their judgment and only worsens a guilty conscience. Constant rejection of the light due to holding onto what you want, your life... You then LOSE it! You make poor choices because you can't clearly recognize right and wrong. A seared conscience... a hardened heart BLINDS! One justifies every action. It all seems so right, though it's clearly wrong! The fruit of an unrenewed mind surfaces. Light is pushed away!! Then the light MUST go for the lift will do more damage than good because it forces choice. It's mere geographical presence bring PRESSURE! The light must.... go. It's that simple. It's an act of mercy on the one who is refusing to change, but devastation for he one being rejected. Hmm... The Lord hardens hearts by bringing the light... bringing CHOICE. It becomes one's choice to either forsake their way to follow the prompting and correction from the Lord, or to TURN their OWN face from the truth their seeing about themselves. Whom you love the most will show up in your actions- God or self. Simple. Satan hardens hearts by bringing darkness. Man hardens their own heart, ultimately by the choice to side with darkness, even if it's by default. Hmm... Lord, whatever You're doing, I don't want to hinder. Therefore, I set myself in agreement with Your plan as you show me step by step. I don't have to understand everything along the way. I will lay myself down to pray for this person, Lord, as You've shown me. I ask that You lead and guide me in all truth in this endeavor. I desire to see Your glory in the situation. Not my will, but Yours. You can count on me... I will be faithful. And I will speak life and wholeness over them. Blessing and favor. Transformation. Crucifixtion and resurrection!! I am relying on Your peace to be as my umpire. If I am wrong, please correct me!!!! Have Your way, Lord. Hmm... In the name of Jesus I bind that despair and grief. I command you to loose him and let him go! Ministering angles , go forth and minister comfort and peace. Give him strength for he is weary with doubt. Cover him with Your unconditional love. Meet him where he's at and help him to receive Your forgiveness... Your love!! Shh... I speak peace to his mind in the name of Jesus. I speak to those harassing influences and I command them to leave right now. Peace.... Peace... Like a calm after a storm... Peace... Lord, I ask that You show him mercy! Please remove Your punishment and show him mercy! Let him have rest. I plead on his behalf, Lord that he be released. Remember his sin no more. But it be removed as far as the east is from the west. Make him strong, Lord. Help him to have a softened heart, to yearn for the things of God. A renewed passion for You. A renewed strength. Clear direction. Clear purpose. Remove the clutter. Cleansed vessel. A joint heir. Thank you, Lord, for Your faithfulness. Thank you, Lord, Your commandments are life. Let Your will be made known. Be good to your servant... Turn not Your face from my request. Thank you, Lord. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Entry 181: To Have Come A Long Way...

2012-01-22T23:03:00.000-05:00

One of the hardest and most confusing times we come in contact with is when we do our best to follow the Lord, get confirmations in the Word and other sources, only to find everything to go... wrong. But maybe that is just our PERCEPTION. Hmm... Think on that. Maybe we were SUPPOSED to get our hearts broken. Maybe we were SUPPOSED to have close to no food or money, for a time, especially when everything still somehow got taken care of- and were never without the things we really needed. Maybe it wasn't a mistake that we got abandoned and were rejected and ostracized. Maybe we go through great times of sorrow and struggle to get us to fall on our knees and to start looking UP. I say ALL of this from a very REAL standpoint. I've had each thing listed happen to me over the last year... yet heavily amplified. I can honestly say that had I been told all of the wonderful things I had hoped to have heard from the man I loved dearly, it would have GREATLY hindered me. I wasn't ready. The Lord was still burning away the baggage I still carried. The Lord wishes to present me as a spotless bride, without blemish. And with the abundance of change and trials I have since endured after that man... It's only now, as I stand as a lady in waiting, single, that I am more confident of what I want and whose and who I really am. It is easy for me to turn down dates now. They aren't what I want... no exceptions... thus far. I just keep my mind on the Lord and whatever it is He is dealing with me on, and I trust Him to ADD me to someone when the time is right. There is no rush. I am now... walking. To put words to where I am almost seems vain, for I wish for you to SEE me with your eyes and not merely read my words. The richness of my heart has expanded into my actions. My love grows more fervent. The passion lies just behind my eyes. I wish ill will towards no one that has wounded me, which is why I can speak so freely about my last year. And... to be healed of plantar's fasciitis has only catapulted me in how merciful my Lord is. It's humbling to come to Him. I sometimes feel like a child as I sometimes tear up as I confess new layers of ugliness He's shown me I still possess. I come to Him as I would my husband. I expect that He will fill every gap I have with the love I so long for... and He does!! I don't feel guilty for desiring to share my life with someone, for I know this is something He has placed in me Himself. It does seem strange to be 29 and not know what it's like to REALLY be taken out on REAL dates... However, I know what it's like to go out and spend my days with the Lord. He'll lead me from one location to another. I've even been taken to the movies and He would minister to me during it. Or, I might cry during a scene and I can talk to Him and He comforts me. I may not have a hand to hold, or a chest to fall into... but the Lord is ALWAYS a gentleman with me. He makes me feel safe. He doesn't correct me when I need comfort. He doesn't belittle me or make me feel like I'm not enough. Instead, I only grow in confidence because I know He is for me. I know He thinks I am beautiful. That might sound vain, but it's not. If the Lord thinks me beautiful, who am I to disagree?! But what makes me beautiful is my HEART. See, I'm not merely speaking of outward beauty. What comes out of me is of utmost importance. To know that I've been waiting and not dating these last 2 1/2 years for my Boaz to come for me is joy. I honestly don't want to share myself with another man that isn't my husband. I don't want to give away portions of me that only ONE man should have the privilege of seeing and tasting. Only one man should know the woman behind my smile. And that's why it's easy to say "no" to men now. I'm not as afraid. I can easily see I'm not really what they're looking for. I can easily see they're not what I am looking for either. I know what I want. But... even when I do see what I like, or what I want, I don't go after it. If the man is a REAL Boaz, he will pursue ME. I also won't win him by flirting. So, what is MY Boaz going to be attracted to?! Fruit. My heart. Yeah, I would also want for this man to be taken by my eyes and smile... but those aren't what qualify me to be as a crown to her husband, are they? I wait because of the love I have for the Lord outweighs what I desire right now. I wait because I want to be as a gift for my future husband that only HE gets to unravel. I'm already devoted to that man... And I'm not even married yet!! ;) Soon... Soon I will see God's glory. And so I continue to be as an onion before the Lord as He peels back the layers. 2012 is already proving itself as a year of shalom- nothing missing, nothing broken... Complete wholeness. And now that I can literally walk without pain (and jog!!!), I am SO excited to keep going forward! I'm excited about the ministry opportunities the Lord will continue to open up. I'm excited for the books I'll be writing. I'm looking forward to the people the Lord will bring into my path... Relationships. As long as I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I'll always be at the right place at the right time. God knows how to orchestrate things. He knows how to bring things together and make things fall apart. Trust Him. Have faith. Be daring and willing and courageous!!! In due time the promises will all become manifest if you faint not. Keep changing from glory to glory. Keep reaching... And don't stop smiling!! If the Lord broke my heart to make it whole, then thank you, Lord, for breaking it. Without it I wouldn't know the meaning of real love. Rejection, abandonment and being utterly ostracized saved me. His ways and thoughts are higher than ours. As I RAN to Him in my depression, despair and grief, He taught me FORGIVENESS. He taught me INTERCESSION. He taught me UNCONDITIONAL AGAPE LOVE. And in spite of the rejection, I found TRUE acceptance in the Lord Jesus Christ. And God has a way of saving the best for last... So it makes it easy for me to wait, for I am intrigued... Hmm... I wonder what His BEST looks like...

Entry 180: Bridging Sanctification and Faith

2012-01-21T00:52:00.001-05:00

Not too long ago, the Lord showed me that part of the purpose of the ministry He's been preparing me for is to bridge together sanctification and faith. I believe that the reason why the "faith" movement had so much success when it began was because people knew a thing about sanctification. Think about it... People could trust their neighbor, they left their doors unlocked and would shake hands to make a business deal and it was as solid as a written contract! I know these are just small things, though, at the same time, they're not. So, when the message of faith was brought to these folks who knew how to love their neighbor and didn't steal, and strayed from sex before marriage, ETC(!!!), this only made them that much MORE in position to receive God's blessings! However, in today's world, people know very little about REAL sanctification. It's a Burger King world where we must have it OUR way! People are rude, greedy and are out to please themselves as much as humanly possible. People want to get paid and not work. And nowadays if someone wants to refrain from having sex till marriage it's practically frowned upon!! So why would people be expected to treat God with any respect!? Most want His blessings, but aren't WILLING to change. They want he fruit, but won't renew their minds to GET the fruit. It's no wonder people have such little evidence of being a Christian. Most don't even know what one is, or how to even live their life as one (just like I didn't). So, I have something to share... As I have been identifying some imbalances in myself and seeking and finding the roots to WHY my body is manifesting sickness, I'm seeing results. I'm noticing a shift and it's happening faster. Once I could identify the problem and the root, I could then deal with it. I knew what to hand over to the Lord. I knew what to take responsiblity and accountability for. I knew what to repent of. And hen I sought for TRUTH to counteract the lies I had believed. And what is this called? Renewing of he mind! Plain and simple. Flush the garbage and refill with truth. I'm aware of generational issues. I'm admitting the hard stuff. I'm admitting my own deception and ignorance. I'm surrendering even MORE and this is HOW to fight the enemy! So tonight the Lord reminded me about my feet, which throb with pain. I have to stay off of them as much as possible for they bother me THAT much! Now, I've been finding the roots of why I overeat, plus why I have had a tendency of being susceptible to addictions... as well as being imbalanced. And as I thought of how the Lord is already making my mind more CLEAR, and I already see all He's done in this last year of changing me... Hmm... Maybe it's time to pull back out that faith chick in me! So I put into practice what I've learned. I looked up plantars fasciitis to know now what exactly it is I'm dealing with. Inflammation. Tears. The ligament needs to stretch properly, and it's not (from my understanding). Okay, so the Lord has healed me of a urinary tract infection back in 2002 when I was living in Orlando with my first fiancé. The Lord met me where I was at. The Bible says you can just have faith the size of a mustard seed, and if you believe you receive whatsoever you say/desire you shall have it (Mark 11). Jesus only did and said those things His Father showed Him or told Him... Hmm... My feet began to burn as this all went through my mind, yet at a much more in-depth manner. I kept seeing myself run! I kept seeing how this pain/injury was stealing it only my ability to exercise, lose weight and work without pain but also from me having fun with my son!! I then got up and went into the other room to pray, for I wasnt alone as this was all going on. I laid my hands on my feet and prayed. I took authority over the issue and thanked the Lord for healing my feet. I even touched on how before He had showed me how pride had caused part of my injury. I confessed to Him that my losing weight was for HIS glory and not just so I'd look better or sexier (I was beig honest!!). I told Him I didn't care if it would manifest quickly or through more sanctification, I believed His Word. I just asked Him to meet me wherever I'm at. I then felt a little different when I walked. I went to go check the mail and my feet felt much looser. They didn't hurt as I walked, though they just had all during dinner. On my way back to the door I felt this urge to run. And so I did! I ran all the way to my door, NO PAIN! I went inside and walked a little more and it almost felt as though the insert in my shoe was too much! I took off my shoes and felt the bottoms of my feet on the arches and then my whole foot, both of them, and NO PAIN!! I cried as I told my mom, who was sitting on the couch, wondering what I was doing! Even now, my feet that would throb and never stop are without any pain whatsoever! I can't help but touch them and just thank the Lord for what He's done! And yes, I am planning on jogging ASAP! You know, the biggest issue I have dealt with is rejection. This has spawned so many over issues for me. Self hatred, anxiety (panic attacks!!), fear of man, fear of failure, fear of abandonment, inadequacy, worthlessness, bitterness, obsessiveness, condemnation, etc! And at one point I even turned to men and alcohol to try and fill the void of my broken and wounded heart because of the layers of YEARS I've had of being CONSTANTLY rejected and oppressed. As I forgive others and myself, I become more free. As I own up to the roots and run TO God, I become less afraid. I may not be flawless, but I have sub confidence in the Lord. I know He is working things out in me. And thus, I am less SELF conscience, and more GOD conscience. He steadily becomes number one in my thought life, only proving all the more who my first love is! This is a RELATIONSHIP I have with Him. I don't have to accept someone's rejection towards me because I am accepted I the Beloved. I am he apple of His eye. I am wonderfully and fearfully made. He is for me... Who can be against me?! The Lord is my husband till He gives me away. Why would He not take care of me?! THIS is knowing your worth! It's waiting for God's best. It's surrendering my own will and dreams and desires to trust that He knows best. I want the abundant life. A fruitful life. And I'm willing to do whatever I've got to do to get there! Through faith and patience one inherits the promises. Part of that patience is renewing your thinking. Makes sense, huh? Bridging faith that moves mountains with the fruit of sanctification makes up what a REAL Christian should be. People should know us by our love, but ALSO there should be signs and wonders that others should SEE as evidence of the power of God working through us!! Jesus said we would do GREATER works than Him! We have the Holy Spirit inside of us. INSIDE of us!!! And He is there to not just comfort us and help us in making decisions for our own life. He is there so we can be used to help set OTHERS free! To heal the brokenhearted. To minster grace unto he hearers. But ALSO to cast out demons and and heal the sick! We as to be blessed so we CAN be a blessing!! It's just that there's a balance. Be faithful I that which is least, you'll be ruler over much! Can God trust you? What are you doing with what He's ALREADY given you? Be faithful and willing and obedient right where you are. Draw nigh unto Him and He PROMISES to draw near to you!! If you still have breath in your lungs, you qualify for God to use you!! It's not over yet! There's still time! Make the best decision you could ever make I this life and surrender to the Lord Jesus Christ. Stop trying to live this life apart from Him. Let Him change your life as He's changed mine!!! There is no greater adventure than letting HIM write your story for you. Begin today. Let this be a fresh, new beginning. Old things have passed... Behold all things as BECOME new! Let Him mold you and transform you to BE the new creation you are called to be!! It all boils down to... Choice.

Entry 179: Worth the Fight

2012-01-18T00:22:00.000-05:00

There is no greater feeling than one of acceptance. It doesn't matter how many people place rejection upon you, you do NOT need to receive it! If you know you are accepted in the Beloved, you won't be offended by the rejection of others. True agape love is unconditional. You don't need one's acceptance to walk in love. Your worth is not contingent upon man's opinion. Your worth is a fact, backed by truth (the Word of God). As things are becoming more clear, I am seeing more and more why the Lord used he word "bridge" for this season. After this portion is over, I will be more clear and stable and balanced than I've ever been before in my entire life!! I am realizing why the Lord showed me to stray from television. Why I wasn't to read enjoyable books and stories. Why I wasn't to be out with friends, and the blessing I got in developing a close relationship with a teenage girl in my darkest of days!! I see why the Lord wouldn't let me listen to certains songs, or in VERY small doses. I see why He dealt with me on food and caffeine and alcohol and COFFEE! I see the importance of why I fasted and prayed. The importance of my devotion and loyalty ands faithfulness. It's obvious why the Lord was so adamant with me on how to renew my mind. He showed me how to meditate on the Word and really FOCUS when He's well aware at how scatterbrained I used to be when He first began teaching me!! It's no accident all of the heartache and heartbreak and isolation and rejection I've endured. Yet, what Satan tried to manipulate to steal, kill and destroy me, the Lord is turning it ALL around!! Joel 2:25 where it's all about restoration isn't just referring to the 5 years I lost while being married, but the Lord's plan is SO much more advanced than what I thought or dreamed!! I had NO idea the actual years I've lost due to not being CLEAR. When I asked the Lord about 2012, I believe on December 11th He told me it'd be a year of shalom for me, nothing missing, nothing broken- complete wholeness. That's also the definition of peace! At that point I had NO idea I was movin to Florda. If anything, I was preparing for Virginia/Tennessee. But here I am... sighing a big breath of air... and I smile. I am being shown things about my family, especially about myself, and I smile. The year of 2011 isn't to be looked at as a time of sorrow, even though it was a time of my own "death," but as a time of JOY for the resurrection that has followed. I am taking in everything along the way as I cross over this bridge. It's not a run this time. I've always RAN to my destinations. But now I am walking towards this one. The strongholds I am facing call for a walk. The wheat is being separated from the tares. No more chaos. Only peace. This cloud will lift, it's days are numbered. What lies ahead, and even for where I am right now, it's ALL been worth the fight! Friendships, family... FREEDOM!!

Entry 178: Happy Balance

2012-01-15T08:45:00.001-05:00

There is so much more to what the Lord has called me to than I ever would have guessed. I am beyond thankful for the changes I've chosen to pursue!! Doors seem to be opening, but I still wait for the Lord's peace to be certain before making any steps. I really am in a pivotal season, as well as on a "bridge" in a sense, as I was shown this period would be. Things are beginning to make more sense, yet it puts me in wonder... As He has shown me the third book that's come out of my time in the wilderness, I have no other choice but to assume my time away, locked in the wilderness, was for NOW! My eyes are open. I am standing my ground and continue to fight!! I won't give up, I won't back down! I am here to testify that waiting upon the Lord has saved me. Choosing to confess and willingly give Him my emotions and feelings and fears is the ONLY reason why I am not on medication. My life has been SOOO extreme, along with what I now know is wrong with me... The Lord has literally been my ROCK of sanity!! Thank you, Jesus! ;)

Entry 177: Certain Stability

2012-01-13T07:41:00.000-05:00

To be certain in the midst of uncertainty brings stability. But it's the choice of what or who you put your trust that determines just how stable you will actually be. I suppose this is one reason why Jesus is called The Rock. He is the ONLY Person you can 100% put your whole trust in. Nothing and no one can compare. Jesus is the only true way to have and live a balanced life of real satisfaction. There is no substitute! He is the reason why I can handle the things I've gone through and are facing now. And as the Lord is showing me things about my family and myself, it's brought around a whole different spectrum of WHY I have done things the way I have. I've had NO idea what I've been up against when it comes to myself until today. Now I know why my own behavior has been so hard to tame. And now how much MORE I will reach people, now knowing my own condition! In addition, as I'm seeing and finally getting answers about my son, NOW I understand what I'm up against!! I don't really know why the Lord has given me such a challenging life, but I do suppose it's in part for YOU!! Because I am so determined to live my life for the Lord, it's the ONLY thing that's kept me together and helps me to overcome!! The Word is LIFE to those who find them and HEALTH to all their flesh! And the joy of the Lord IS our strength!

Entry 176: The Admirable Possibility

2012-01-11T14:52:00.001-05:00

The glass is ALWAYS full.Where the liquid level ends, air fills the rest of the spaceMy last entry was one of anger as I've been up against SO very much all at one time. The Lord must have made me strong to have the strength to endure this season! But it's not all bad. In some ways I see how close I am to the REAL Promised Land. I am, to a degree, excited about these challenges. Not that I am necessarily enjoying the pressure, but am in awe of the newness of being somewhere so familiar, yet there's a freshness. In my last entry I spoke of wanting to know the truth. Well... I honestly don't know the truth. I don't know what really went on during the last almost 2 1/2 years I had spent being in love with someone... Or so I thought!! The Lord's ways and thoughts are higher than ours. He shows me that I DO know the truth- MY SIDE!! I may not know if this man EVER really did love me, or if I was just convenient, but I know that I, Suzanne, loved HIM. I know that I was faithful to a man I never got to really SEE. I was honest and kind and did my best to love him with a freeing love that only God could have helped me with! I let go of offenses and stuck it out, regardless of what things looks like. I walked by faith and not sight. I loved him unconditionally!! I do not regret any of it because I got to see my own character. I got to see what I am made of. So, as I am slowly moving on, there is a man I have been growing fond of. I am cautious to see that my own motives are pure for I do not want to toy with his emotions. Just as he comes to me with solutions, yet never makes me feel broken or any less strong, I am gentle with him as I speak soft and low as my smiles increase. I am able to read him so clearly. And so I am waiting... I have yet to see what the Lord will do. There are some thing that I have that I know he needs. And, with growing admiration, there are rings that he has that I am in need of. It goes back to that saying I saw in Hallmark: "Somewhere someone is looking for exactly what you have to offer.". Well, I see what he has to offer and I like it. Just... Is this God's plan? Hmm... Could this be a part of why I was to come back to Florida!? I cannot help but wonder. But, in the meantime, I feel the pull to write. I feel the pull to read!! I feel the pull to study and gather information. My eyes are open.... I'm waiting... I AM a lady in waiting till the right time presents itself...

Entry 175: What Really Happened?

2012-01-05T20:17:00.001-05:00

So, what is it!?It's clutter. I got rid of the physical things I had, but what about the questions?What do I do about THAT???I'm not sure what to do from this point...But I do know one thing: I WANT THE TRUTH!What REALLY happened?! What is the truth?!Was I deceived!?WHAT HAPPENED?!??This is clutter.I NEED to be rid of this clutter.The truth sets people free... Makes them free.I NEED the truth!No matter how ugly it may be.That's what I want.THE TRUTH.

Entry 174: The Next Step

2012-01-04T19:29:00.000-05:00

Entire journals, pictures, all 167 letters, poems, songs and other writings were torn to shreds today and thrown into the garbage. Things that gave me hope were broken to pieces before hitting the dumpster. Everything's been erased off my computer.There is nothing left, that I'm aware of, that's lingering behind...This was the next necessary step, and I've done it.Timing is everything.I am not about to mess with someone's emotions. That's just not me. And if I'm serious about moving on... If I'm serious about what I've been saying about being "ready"... then my actions will coincide.I'm not joking.I'm not messing around.I don't know what the Lord has in store for me. I don't know His plan.But I REFUSE to hold onto something or someone I'm not supposed to.I know what I want. I'm not confused. I'm not scared.But I admit that I'm NOT okay right this second. I can't go forward if I don't know where I am.So... I'm waiting...And I'm interested to see what the Lord is going to do.Hmm...A new thing.A new beginning.An extension to my story.OUR story!!

Entry 173: Moving On

2012-01-03T19:04:00.001-05:00

Here I am...I came back to Florida broke, not broken.I came back needing help, but I'm not helpless.There is a HUGE difference in this situation.There is a greater purpose in all of this and I think I am beginning to see a portion of WHY. And today I saw that I am ready to move on.Sigh...Whatever may happen... After all this time...Sigh...I was able to look at him with admiring eyes because he genuinely wants to help me. There was no judgment. He didn't act like I was falling to pieces. He offered so many solutions...After all this time...Timing really is everything.And... well...I can tell that there's a part of me already beginning to fall for him...And it's easy.

Entry 172: Goodbye Rhode Island, Hello Tennessee

2011-12-31T01:43:00.000-05:00

This is my last night in Rhode Island.

I know I normally have so much to say when it comes to these pivotal points, but… it’s like my emotions are being rationed right now.

I’ve got a lot of road ahead of me and I’m not only responsible for just myself on this trip, but also for my mother and my kitty cat, whom I’m only going to be able to have for another 2 nights. I have loved this cat so very, very much. But I suppose I was only to have him for this season…

And I will go ahead and add that I was VERY thankful to have been able to have said goodbye to my brother’s dog he still has. He was my 80 pounds of love. And tonight he just rested against me and wouldn’t move. It was like he knew he was safe with me and didn’t want to be anywhere else. After several minutes, I had to stand back up, which was very hard for me to do.

I have tried my best to cherish every moment I’ve had with my closer-than-a-sister 16 year old friend that I’ve made while being here. She is most definitely someone who will be my friend for LIFE. One of the absolute darkest times of my entire life and the Lord chose NOW to give me a REAL friend to have IN PERSON!! She came in a package I didn’t expect (for she’s about half my age), yet the Lord knew EXACTLY what He was doing. She was my number one unexpected joy for the year of 2011!!

I will miss being with this family I’ve been living with. They allowed me to share the holidays with them this year. They took me in. They fed me!! They watched movies with me. I got to laugh and be silly and share. They gave me a bed and a room and I always got a hot shower. I’ve not been without.

I will miss the man who came to ME twice this week. I’m thankful he came and said goodbye to me, for I would have went out of my way to have said it to him had he not. How nice it was for him to come to ME. How much hope those couple of exchanges gave me butterflies and reignited hope in me.

All its done is make me wonder about what I’m stepping into when I get to Florida…

It’s amazing how much I’m looking forward to what “might” happen. I’m wondering if it’s at all possible if during time I’ve been away… well…

Um…

I don’t want to say too much. The night hours can do that to me…

But I will say this.

“Somewhere someone is looking for exactly what you have to offer.”

I saw that on a plaque in the Hallmark store today and I LOVE that!

So what if someone did see what I had to offer, but the timing was off? And maybe they TRIED to make it work, but I wouldn’t allow it!? And what if after all this time…

He’s still willing to help?

And what if NOW is the right time?

I honestly can’t believe how much I’m looking forward to seeing this man…

But I’m also grounded enough to use good judgment (thank God!!).

So this is what I’m thinking during the last night.

Hope.

Possibilities.

And… maybe there’s a man in my very near future. Maybe I would allow him to take me on dates now. Maybe I wouldn’t mind the idea of having dinner with him, knowing that he’s never been ashamed of me, no matter how silly I can be. Maybe I wouldn’t mind being in the company of this man who kept trying to help me before… and maybe I wouldn’t mind letting him! Maybe I like the idea of looping my arm around his while we walk and lean into him. Maybe I like the idea of there being a first kiss…

Hmm…

“Somewhere someone is looking for exactly what you have to offer.”

And, if they are…

Sigh…

They won’t just let me walk away… they’ll ask me to stay… to take their hand and lead the way…

So, goodbye Rhode Island…

Hello Tennessee New Year's Eve night!!

Anything is possible…

Entry 171: Extreme Options

2011-12-29T23:46:00.000-05:00

If you’ve been following this blog during my more recent entries, then you know that I’m merely a breath away from moving (on Saturday) from Rhode Island, stopping in Tennessee briefly for a day, and then I’m on my way to Florida. And, with this being MY THIRD MAJOR MOVE IN ONE YEAR, it’s caused a bit of CHANGE… just a smidge!

This is now the third of the bunch, and the Lord is bringing me right back to the beginning (though… in all honesty… I’m NOT right at the beginning because of how my mind’s been renewed… it’s just geographically “the beginning“ from where I ventured out from). This, in conjunction to what’s been brewing in me for some time and me finding books and other sources I’ve come across and have been reading, I’ve been seriously contemplating my next course of action. Obviously, I am to move FIRST. Then, I get to see my son and then I’m starting at one of the nearby stores for work.

But that is the obvious start…

What I’m talking about are my OPTIONS.

I’ve been breaking wide open my perspective, trying to make sure that I’m not limiting myself from my narrow vision. Whereas I believe I’ve been diligent to follow the Lord in NOT having much of a social life this past, um, several months… years!?… I’m looking at everything!!

But there is only ONE road that I, Suzanne, and to travel down…

So, I’m open. I’m looking. My eyes are watching!!

I’ve looked into school. I’ve looked into missionary schools where that’s where I live! I’ve looked into writing and other jobs in writing. I’ve been looking and weighing another job. Maybe waitress again. It’s been about 10 years since I did it and I NOW have actual confidence… and I LOVE to serve people. I’ve even considered nursing because of how I love to help others.

And it’s gotten me to think of how in both Tennessee AND Rhode Island I found that I was around TEENAGERS for the most part!! I spent most of my time around young women from ages 16-25 the most!! Especially up here in Rhode Island, I’m around a 16 year old ALL the time!!! This has reminded me of when I was a manager at the movie theater and it was my first awakening that I LOVE to be around teenagers.

Interesting how I actually despised them when I WAS one of them, and actually told my mother when I was a little girl that I didn’t even want to BE a teenager, but wanted to skip ages 13-19 and just turn 20!! Needless to say, since I spoke such death to those years MYSELF, I reaped a harvest of nothing but confusion, depression and rejection during every single year I didn’t want to experience! Yep, my seventh grade year was the BEST year… I was 12. And I didn’t actually get my life to “turn around” till my 20th birthday and that’s when I ran into the “pastor” that started me off towards pursuing the Lord (despite his own perversion, the Lord met ME right where I was at!!!).

I want to go to Italy. I yearn to go to Italy. And Greece. And Paris. But those will happen down the road, and I do believe it’s ministry related.

My own, personal desire will always be wrapped up in wanting to be on the beach. That desire is coupled with the idea of a husband in mind. It’d be our own private getaway from the world. I will work, work, work… but please, Lord… let me have this!

I’ve thought of having a second job, but then also wonder if my “second job” will be me writing my first ministry book. I’ve begun on the outlining and I have the information and such ready, but… is it time!?

Or maybe this is the time when I should begin trying to gather people together and start a bible study… maybe a prayer meeting. Just do it!!!! I’ve been waiting… Maybe I should just go for it. I know I can do it… that’s not the problem.

Is it TIME!?!?!?!

Is this the SEASON!?!?!?

There are A LOT of “good” things one can do…

But there’s only a select few that’s “good” for you!!!

I could even just go ahead, ditch everything, and just move to Italy… or Greece.

Yep. A bit extreme, huh!?

The idea is that I’m not afraid to do whatever the Lord’s going to lead me to do. I’ve GOT to have this mindset. I’m NOT the same anymore.

But… even going through the options, I sigh as I smile and close my eyes for there’s really only ONE thing I want… even as I go exploring all of these things (not to say I can’t do any of them… I’m simply just sharing right now)…

I want to be settled.

And THEN I would like to travel.

But I want a HOME.

I want a FAMILY.

But if the Lord is calling me to do something else for now… I know better than to argue and try to push and SAVE my own life!!

And concerning my six year old son, the Lord is the one who made it so that he could be with his father, and thank God for that!! I wouldn’t have been able to have moved up to Rhode Island had I had him with me. And that’s not being selfish… at all!! It took a MASSIVE amount of strength to let him go… similar in how Hannah let Samuel go. I have ONLY felt a peace about my son being where he is, regardless of how it “looks” to anybody else on this planet. I’m his mother. And if I believe that the Lord is directing me in this decision and have actual PEACE about it… then who’s to argue!?

I mean, I may not see the big picture. You never know WHAT could happen.

For instance… what if my son’s father were to die a month from now and I never allowed him to have his son during these last several months!?

Oh, because I’m his mother and he should be with ME, right!?!

How very, very SELFISH!!

There are more fathers who would LOVE to have their children with them, but most mothers are too SELFISH to allow this to happen. So what’s wrong with me, being a mother, allowing my son’s father to have him for a period!?

And seeing as to how my son’s been emotionally stable and has NOT fallen to pieces because he can’t see me says a LOT about the peace of God and how HE makes things okay when you’re following Him.

I believe there’s more at work than what’s known…

So, I’ve said all of that to go further in my other points.

If there was ever a time for me to go into some form of missionary work, I could see how NOW could be that time. If there was ever a time for me to make some other HUGE job change or take a risk or move… AGAIN!!!… this is an ideal time!! I’m not tied to anything. If I have to travel to see my son, then we’ll travel. I’m out to take advantage of the time I’ve been given.

AS LONG AS I’M IN THE LORD’S PLAN, I DON’T CARE WHERE I HAVE TO GO, OR WHAT I HAVE TO DO!!!!!!!!!!

The Lord will protect my son. If I’m honoring Him, then He will honor me and take care of him.

However, if the Lord sees to it that I get my heart’s desire…

Mmm…

I’m ready…

I want to be at the right place, AT THE RIGHT TIME.

As I’m going to be in Tennessee all day Sunday, I’m having to face a whole bundle of things. Some disappointment, hurt, confusion, questions… MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS!!!!

I don’t have room to fear.

I don’t have time to be offended or hurt.

And my whole attitude about going to Florida has really been crappy. I’ve known this, but I’ve not been able to shake it off!! I AM human, in case you all didn’t figure that one out by now!!

I am going to Port Charlotte, Florida as a WOMAN, not a girl. I am going to Florida as a step FORWARD, not back!! I’m arriving as a SUCCESS, not a failure! I have GROWN, not backslidden. I am have increased in STRENGTH, not become weaker. I’ve been through a LOT, but I’ve come out REFINED!!

I am the chick who can survive anything that the Lord graces her to face!!

I am brave, strong and courageous. I don’t give up easily.

I am a fighter.

I am an OVERCOMER!

I can handle whatever task the Lord sets before me.

I’m READY!

I’m WILLING!

It’s time for change.

Even if that change ends up being just me getting an apartment (when I can!) and I go forward from that.

Or, even if the Lord just wants me to REST for a few months till I DO get settled. I’ve been through an AWFUL lot. Maybe this will be a recovery period for me.

Or maybe it’s time to push HARDER because I’m almost right where I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be!!!! Maybe this is the opportune time to press in and it’s THERE I’ll reach the spot He’s been taking me ever since He birthed in me the desire to have a family!

Maybe this will be the time when I’ll get to see the manifestation of everything I’ve been believing for… IF I don’t lose heart and… faint.

And you know what?

That man who came and said goodbye to me yesterday, the one I actually kissed on the cheek (which is a big deal for me!) and he kissed me back… that man was placed in my life for a reason. There are things that happened that gave me HOPE and reminded me of WHAT I’m waiting for.

And the best part is that both times… he came to ME!!!

I didn’t have to search him out.

And, furthermore, he did it with intention. He didn’t just bump into me. Nope. He came up to the house and went straight for my room, NO HESITATION!! He came to say goodbye and then he went back to what he was doing.

There was purpose!

And it was pure HOPE for me!!!

For that to happen, backed behind all of the changes I’ve seen over the last few months…

People CAN change.

And that change… wow… it sure is attractive when you SEE light come from someone.

So, in the same way, I don’t have to dress perfect or wear low cut shirts to attract the man I want to marry. (not that I did this anyway, it just solidifies and confirms my point of view and stance on the issue)

It will be my fruit that will draw the man who’s sincerely looking for an honest and godly woman.

Some people think that all I’ve been doing is pining after some guy… and they’re right! I’ve been pining to make the Lord my FIRST love this ENTIRE time!! The Lord told me last October that this was the element I HAD to get straight first BEFORE a husband could come on the scene!!

I’ve been diligently following the Lord and going through intense sanctification and renewing of the mind to get rid of the baggage of past events. I’ve gone to great lengths to have actual character and integrity when it comes to ALL relationships, not just romantically. I’ve stretched myself to do what I believe the Lord’s directed me to do, not me following my own pursuits.

I’ve put aside my own happiness AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN these last 2 ½ years (and, in all actuality, much longer than that!!!) to do what I believe the Lord’s led me to do. I’ve PROVEN who my first love is.

And I’ve been waiting this long to have what I want, I’m not about to settle now!!

One day I will have the love and the life I’ve been longing for.

In due time… the RIGHT time…

In HIS timing…

Entry 170: I Am Unrelenting

2011-12-29T00:53:00.000-05:00

I’m right at the end… I’m almost there…

And I’m fighting with everything I’ve got!!

In just a couple of days (on Saturday) I will be moving out of Rhode Island. I will be spending the entire day on Sunday in Tennessee and get the things I left at my boss’s house. And on Monday I will be venturing to my next destination: Port Charlotte, Florida.

The possibilities are endless!!

But so are the realities…

I’ve already been in tears just THINKING about going back to Tennessee at this point. And to know how close I will be to someone I know in Virginia…

And then… the questions have already begun about me going to Port Charlotte again.

All the “why’s” are popping up.

And… well… I already know that people are going to look at me as though I failed. I’m ALREADY getting this and I’ve not even left to get there yet!!!!

I was prepared to go back to Virginia/Tennessee.

I was NOT prepared to face the judgment I’m walking right into.

The good news is that I’ve been alone, and just ME, for the last nine months that if I do end up being completely ostracized, I know I can handle it. If every single person that I know rejects me, I’ll be okay. You don’t go and be in complete isolation without learning a few things. The Lord’s taught me well. It’s been a LONG time since I’ve felt lonely, regardless of how few people I’m around.

I’ve also taken into consideration that if I find that I’m in a position where my “friends” just want to rip apart everything I did, or are just wanting information, then I will walk away, no problem. I would rather be alone than with the wrong company. I'm not desperate for friends.

I don’t have to convince anyone that I’ve got fruit. My fruit will speak for itself. I don’t have to prove to anyone my every single motive. I ALREADY know what people think as far as WHY I moved to Tennessee, but if only the Lord and I know the truth, then whatever. Then that’s just the way it’ll be.

Same thing with my decisions about my son. Someone who wants to pass judgment and seriously question my integrity and motives doesn’t know me in the slightest!! Anyone who knows how hard I fought about things concerning my son and STILL decides to pass judgment on me… wow. Were you EVER my friend!?!?!

Well, in any case, I’ve just got to remember to keep my mouth shut, no matter who, or what, provokes me. I can tell I’m going to seriously have to buckle myself down to get in the right mindset. There’s so much pressure coming at me from EVERY SINGLE ANGLE right now.

It’s everything to keep reminding myself of what I’ve got to look forward to. And it’s not that I have a problem being optimistic or anything, but just that I’m having to DEAL with SO much that if I allow myself too much slack I’m going to drown. Me rising above is the ONLY thing that will save me.

These next three mornings especially I’ve GOT to rise early and be with the Lord. There is NO way I can do all that I’ve got to do if I don’t put first things first. And I KNOW the peace of God and how truly awesome it is to NOT be even TOUCHED by what‘s going on around me! But, I am also walking proof that if you allow things to come in, little by little, they rob you of that peace!

Offense, unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, hurt, confusion, etc…

And that turns into a hindrance.

I cannot afford hindrances!! Someone is waiting on the other side of my obedience.

And maybe that person… is you!

Sigh…

Whatever happens, I can handle it. Though He slays me, I will STILL trust in Him!! There is NO WAY that He’d allow all of these things happen to me, one right after another, if He didn’t have a plan. There’s NO WAY He would continuously break my heart to not set it right! He wouldn’t remove people from my life to leave holes, but to fill those gaps with REAL friends…

And with someone who actually loves ME.

And with others who will be as my family… where my own is absent.

I read something tonight that’s gotten me mad, which is partially why this entry sounds the way it does. It talked about letting people go. It said that when someone walks out of your life, to just let them.

And, of course, the two people who broke my heart are at the forefront of my mind in hearing that. And, for those of you who don’t know, one is the man I’ve been in love with for 2 ½ years, but have known since the 4th grade. The other is my very own brother. There are so many parallels, right up to where they BOTH just recently got engaged- QUICKLY. One I waited to be around for just a couple of years, while I waited 14 YEARS to be around my own brother again. So, to me, it’s kind of like if I just “let go” of the man, then I’m completely “letting go” of my brother. I know they are two individuals, but… it’s like there is a definite connection that I just… I just can’t put my finger on.

You have to FIGHT for the relationships in your life!!!

If I had just let people go, then I would NOT have the relationships I have today. Period!!

With one of my friends, it took me a whole year and a half of writing them letters before they would even SPEAK to me on the phone!! And now I find that this girl thinks of me as the ONE TRUE FRIEND she’s had during all of these years. Why?! BECAUSE I WAS THERE FOR HER NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!

Another friend and I were extremely close, but things got in the way and we went for these long spurts of not talking. Then, I realized that I didn’t care about the stuff in her life that I didn’t like, I loved HER!!! And I kept on it and kept on it and now I have the SAME kind of results as the first. And this one is completely loyal to me, as I am to her. And again, she knows I’m her ONE TRUE FRIEND because I’m THERE!!!!

If I was just about letting people go, then I wouldn’t have contacted and reunited with my father after nine years of separation. I had every single “right” to not EVER speak or be around him again. And then, when other things happened in 2010 that were really awful, I, again, had even MORE right to not give that man the time of day. However, because I love the Lord more than I do in holding onto unforgiveness, I could HONESTLY even write him on Father’s Day that I wouldn’t trade him in for the world… AND MEANT IT!! I also make sure I update him and remind him that I love him from time to time. This wouldn’t have happened if I had let him go.

Furthermore, the ONLY reason why my mother and I have such a good relationship right now is because I didn’t let her go!!!! I pursued and was determined that we could have a GREAT relationship… and I am FINALLY reaping a harvest!!!

Had I just “let go” of so many others in my life… I would have done them, and me, a disservice. Just because someone is difficult to be around doesn’t mean they’re not supposed to be in your life. Just because things get hard doesn’t mean that it’s time to throw in the towel.

It’s time more people learn how to be faithful and really WALK in God’s agape love instead of just talking about it!!!

And you know what!?

Agape love is a “no strings attached” love. You can love that person and keep it alive even if the don’t return that love!!! It’s a FREEING love, not a stranglehold kind of love. It’s letting that person know you believe in THEM, even if they despise YOU!!!

And that’s what I’m trying to say, I suppose.

I BELIEVE in the two that have broken my heart, both the man I’ve loved and my brother. I cannot give up on that…

If I give up on that, then I may as well say that I don’t think the Lord could ever change them. And that’s a lie!!!

Now, I have every single NATURAL right to turn my face from both of them, for they BOTH sure didn’t waste any time in turning theirs from me.

But I don’t believe that the Lord’s been revealing the similarities, in such depth as He has, for me to just walk away. The Lord doesn’t reveal to you someone for you to just shrug your shoulders and get bitter and scoff at them for all they’ve done wrong towards you.

There’s a reason…

Hmm…

How much can a hardened heart ruin the willingness one has… to pray for another who‘s hurt you!?

The Lord works in these continuous seasons of seedtime and harvest. No matter where you are, or what you’re doing, you’re sowing and reaping ALL THE TIME!!! It just depends on the time of the season. Right now, I’m at a harvest. But it’s not a full harvest. There’s still more ground to cover, but He’s given me this period to be realigned.

I’m coming out of the wilderness.

So… what is Suzanne going to do? Or NOT do?

There is only ONE narrow road that Suzanne is supposed to follow that lines up with God’s perfect will.

THAT is what I’m after.

The road HE paves is the only one that holds all my dreams. Only He knows how to bring them all to pass… I don’t!

I’m curious as to what I’ll find when I get up in some hours and get to spend the early morning hours with Him before going off about my busy day.

What is it about this “letting go” thing that’s gotten me SO mad this evening!?

What is going on!?

What are you showing me, Lord!?

Why is simply writing about that article suddenly bringing out the FIGHT in me!?

Hmm…

You know, there is a man who PURPOSELY came to see me today. This is the second time over just the last few days. And this time he came to say goodbye to me. As we hugged, for now our second time, I actually went ahead and gave him a kiss on his cheek. The last man I kissed on the cheek was my brother. And before him was the man I loved. But I did. I kissed him… and he kissed me back.

Why did I kiss him?

Because I felt safe with him. The few times I got to put my hand in his took my breath. His hand was always warm and felt strong, like he could LEAD me. And when my hand would be in his I felt like a woman. A REAL woman. Feminine and as the weaker vessel, but not meaning WEAK. Like… I was being protected! And when I hugged him for the first time on Christmas, I felt like I could just let go and not be strong every single second of the day!!

I found out that as I met him a few months ago, he’s made so many changes with his life that he’s like a completely different person now. And this “new” person is SO very attractive to me. He would ask me things and you could SEE the compassion and hear it. I never felt threatened by him.

And I liked smiling at him from across the room from time to time…

Maybe that’s part of it.

I have spent about the last 2 ½ years WAITING, not dating.

And if you want to completely analyze my entire life, you could say that I’ve been waiting 29 years to really “date” someone with courtship in mind.

This hasn’t all happened by chance.

How do I say what's going through my mind right now???

Hmm... If this man went and made all of these changes in just the last three months, then why can’t someone else do the same?! If I’ve made as many MONUMENTAL changes in my OWN life, then why can’t someone else!?

I am a VERY forgiving person…

If that NEW MAN came for me… I mean REALLY came for me…

If he made the changes to BE faithful and treat me and love me the way as Christ loves the church. If he knew that he had before him a virtuous woman and came after me as though he understood that my price is FAR above rubies…

If that NEW MAN were to make an appearance and BE the man God’s called him to be. BE the man that I KNOW is in there. BE the man that knows how to take my breath and make me feel so beautiful and alive. BE the man who brings out the writer in me. BE the man who brings out my strength and makes me WANT to be a better woman…

I am already complete in Christ. I don’t NEED a man to make me feel whole. I already AM whole WITHOUT a man…

If he were to SHOW me in word, as well as in deed, what it would take to win my heart…

(For I’ve ALREADY proven myself faithful and loyal…)

Maybe… just maybe…

Sigh…

All I want is God’s best.

And... well... whomever you are… rest assured...

I’ll Be Waiting For You…

Entry 169: A Hand to Reach For

2011-12-27T23:14:00.002-05:00

There is no way to escape that this year is quickly coming to a close. It’s caused me to look over at what's happened during this year and I really can’t help but find tears in my eyes. The reality is hitting me more and more, yet I’m still up against an immense amount of pressure. I’m ready for a release. I’m ready for those open arms of acceptance that will protect me. Yet, it’s not time for that right now. I’ve still got to fight. I’ve still got to be so very, very STRONG.

This is where I’m having to yank myself by the ear to do the right thing because my body is starting to shut down on me. But I can’t quit. I can’t give up. I’ve GOT to keep going!!

But the harsh reality is setting in.

I don’t know why the Lord’s felt this was the time to break my heart twice, BACK TO BACK!!! The parallels… the similarities of details…

But this continuous stream of beatings…

Lord, how much more am I to take of this?!!? How much more till you really deliver me?! When will you vindicate me? When will you finally do the unveiling? When will all that’s been secret be made manifest!?!

And now I’m being faced with abandonment all over again…

Lord, you are the ONLY Person who doesn’t EVER let me down. I don’t always understand your ways, but you NEVER abandon me. You NEVER leave me!!!! You are the ONLY one I can ever count on!!!! I know You hear me. I know You’re with me. I need you tonight, Lord.

There are so many things that burn in my heart. So many hopes and dreams…

So I choose to forgive the parties who have turned their backs on me. I choose to forgive the ones who have spoken against me with such disgust. I choose to forgive them, not because I don’t understand what they did, but because I DO understand what they did! I am, with open eyes, extending mercy towards them. I give you this hardened heart that’s been forming. I don’t want it. I don’t want anything to be as a hindrance between us, and a hardened heart will be just that. Give me Your eyes to see the situation perfectly. Help me to have the wisdom to say and do the right thing. I choose to forgive them because they know not what they do.

I know what I want, Lord.

But only You can make it happen…

Entry 168: My Own Resurrection

2011-12-27T01:25:00.000-05:00

As I am at a place where it’s almost like I get to start over, there are many thoughts, wonders, questions, plans and ideas running through my head. In all honesty, I’m NOT really starting over. This is merely the NEXT step forward. I’m simply geographically being relocated to where my first home is, in Port Charlotte, Florida.

These last nine months were NOT a failure. I did NOT hear the Lord wrong when I believed He was leading me to move not only to Tennessee, but also to Rhode Island. People really need to get out of the deceptive and mythical idea that God won’t ever send you someplace to have everything fall apart!! For the TRUTH is that sometimes that’s EXACTLY what we NEED to happen in order to become fully dependent upon HIM!! There’s NO shame when you go through your own Job test (meaning your entire life gets shaken and tried to extremes!), as long as you continue to follow the Lord and give yourself over to His will.

It’s better to be persecuted for doing RIGHT, than for those persecutions to be true.

So, as I’m stepping out into this new direction, I’ve found some questions to ponder. These actually come from my monthly Terri Savelle Foy newsletter for the month of December.

1. What do you really want to do?

2. What do you really want to have?

3. What do you really want to be?

4. Where do you really want to go?

I want to encourage you to write these out and look at them for yourself. Think about them. Think about them till you KNOW the answers for each. Really evaluate your life where it is, and see what improvements you want to work towards. No life is completely perfect, so there’s ALWAYS room for growth!!

And, I’m going to go ahead and answer these in this entry. Maybe through my own honesty, you can be honest as well.

1. What do I really want to do?

To be the minister I’m called to be and write books. I want to hold seminars and teach other people the things that the Lord’s taught me. I want to travel, yet be planted somewhere and grow roots.

2. What do I really want to have?

I want a family. I want a home. I want my exterior life to be paralleled with the riches of my interior. I want full relationships.

3. What do I really want to be?

I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I want to be a woman of truth, honor integrity and respect. I want to have a gentle and meek spirit. I want to be passionate, full of zeal and full of spirit and LIFE!! I want to be daring and fearless. I want to be fruitful and radiant. I want to hold my head up high as I rely on God’s grace in the areas I’m weak. I want to be the best version of ME… not someone else! I want to be reliable and trustworthy. I want to be counted as one who is loyal and dedicated and faithful. I want to be known as beautiful because of the hidden man of my HEART, not for what I necessarily look like.

I want to be a powerful and effective minister. I want to be a firm, yet understanding mother who always is helping my children to grow up strong. I want to be an open ear and a broad shoulder for my friends. I want to be a daughter and a sister who makes my family proud to have me. And… one day… I want to be presented as a bride who is without spot or blemish. One who’s been waiting for her prince, preparing for him all the while. I want to be a wife, a helpmate, that a husband would be honored to have by his side.

And… I want to be a woman of strength.

4. Where do I really want to go?

I want to go on adventures!! I want to be planted and settled in ONE place, yet travel. I want to go to Italy, mostly for ministry purposes. I want to go to Hawaii, especially to Kauai. I want to go on cruises and see all kinds of beautiful beaches. I want to go to Ireland and Paris and Greece. I want to go places where I can hike and be away from the rest of the world. I am up for wherever the Lord sends me…

What I love about coming out of these last nine months is that I’m never going to be the same again. I think different. I feel different. I probably even LOOK different.

I know that going to a place that was my original home is going to be a challenge. I already know I’m going to be faced with a lot of questions and skepticism. I know that some are going to remember me from either nine years ago, or two and a half years ago, and still see me as that broken, desperate GIRL. Sigh… But all I can do is let my FRUIT speak for itself. I don’t have to justify myself. I’ve been restored and made whole (though this process will last a lifetime!). I’ve been transformed into a WOMAN.

And I’m not going BACK… I’m going FORWARD to Florida.

February was almost like my own death, and now reappearing is my resurrection.

I view these last nine months as having made the biggest accomplishments I’ve ever conquered in my entire life!!

I am a woman who is so lost in the Lord that only a man IN the Lord can find me.

And when that prince finds me…

He will come for me.

He won’t delay…

Entry 167: The Last Nine Months...

2011-12-24T22:53:00.003-05:00

Over these last nine months, I've learned even more of HOW to fight!

Whenever you endeavor to do something, always remember that if everyone else loses for you to gain… you’re wrong!! It's like the person climbing the corporate ladder who pushes everyone else out of their way to get what THEY want. Maybe the world needs to do this, for they're running a rat race, but we're called to something GREATER. If how you're handling things lacks integrity, then I can assure you that God is absent in what you're doing. If you try to place blame on others to make yourself look better about what you're doing, you're only giving yourself away.

You must always choose your battles wisely. Not everything is worth fighting for, some things you just need to let go of. But keeping things simple and putting first things first will almost immediately help you to decipher what’s of REAL value and what’s merely a distraction.

The end of a thing is better than its beginning. If things are still rocky, it’s not the end. You’ll know the end by the harvest it brings, whether it’s a severing or a reconciling. But when it’s finished, there will be a settlement within you that’s undeniable. And, not to mention, the REAL ending is always the marking of your REAL beginning…

You can be doing everything RIGHT, but still be treated so WRONG. You can say and do everything perfectly and be sweet and gentle and strong and daring and honest and giving in every aspect possible, but STILL be rejected and ridiculed and literally HATED. Please remember that in Galatians 6:5 it says to be not weary in WELL DOING for in due time you will reap a harvest IF you faint not. It’s better to be hated for doing good, than to be hated for doing evil. Keep your motives pure and keep doing what’s right, no matter the cost! Someone really IS waiting on the other side of your obedience.

Sometimes the Lord will allow us to come to a place of having a broken heart. While it can be confusing and FEEL like the end of the world, always remember that what CAN be shaken will, and what’s left is really all you really want anyway. So, release the things that need to be shaken, and cling only to the TRUTH. Sooner or later a harvest will come and you’ll easily see how to separate the wheat from the tares. Allow the fruit you have to continuously be pruned and tried by fire.

If you have to HIDE yourself because you can’t face someone, you are a coward. The very fact that you hide yourself only reveals the guilt. Light and dark don’t mix… and darkness RUNS from the light. Darkness is nothing but a mix of fear, doubts and insecurities. The light merely reveals what’s ALREADY there. What’s been HIDDEN becomes MANIFEST because of the light. That’s all. Darkness doesn’t like to be exposed. And just because you offer unconditional love doesn’t mean the person will take it. But, again, be not weary in well doing… if your motive stays right, then your efforts will not have been in vain. Your very actions and prayers could be the ONE thing that could save them. Hand them over to the Lord when you’re released… and go forward! Love never fails, so don’t lose heart! Be courageous!!

Don’t try to impress people, simply BE impressive. You being you IS the MOST impressive thing you CAN do!! If you can’t be YOU, then you’re insecure and fearful. What are you so afraid of? Rejection? The very thing you run away from is the very thing you need to face head on. You will never get over a mountain if you never being to climb! The more real you can be with yourself, and with the Lord, the more real you will be with others… thus, the more impact you will have on the world around you!

Don’t be afraid. Don’t create regrets. Resist the temptation to give up!

Just about four days ago, I was faced with such pressing circumstances and KNEW I was near the end because of just how much force everything was hitting me from every single angle! It was so great, yet I continued to press in to the Lord and I didn’t care HOW I felt, I was DETERMINED to trust Him and NOT give myself over to the unbelief that was trying so desperately to get me to side with defeat! In fact, it got so bad that I actually had to dig my heels in so deep I was on FIRE inside my chest and had to say out of my mouth, “If I DIE while standing, then I will DIE!! I don’t care WHAT happens to me, I will NOT come off my stance! If the Lord doesn’t deliver me and I DO end up dying, then I will have died standing! I will NOT lay down! My God will NOT fail me!” Shortly after… the Lord parted the waters.

Humble yourself… ALWAYS. Let the Lord lift you up. You won’t be disappointed.

Though it tarry, wait for it…

Waiting is the number one thing we need to learn, and it’s the number one thing we DON’T want to do. To wait is a gift. A discipline. An act of mercy. Waiting is all about positioning and growth and preparation. For to wait for something is a sign of maturity. It shows yourself to be READY. Impatience comes from misunderstanding. Patience stems from Love’s point of view, which is Truth.

Watch and pray and be alert! You never know who you will meet. You never know what condition someone will be in as God brings people across your path. Be at the right place at the right time. Let yourself be a vessel He can use. Don’t be contaminated by the cares of this world, but be focused on what HE is showing you because you’ve ALREADY handed your care over upon HIM… you’re not carrying it yourself (which is idolatry anyway). Be ready with a word to speak in due season. Be ready to give a soft answer that can turn away wrath. Have a mouth full of wisdom and kindness. Be that meek and gentle spirit that He so very much loves. Be merciful, as our Heavenly Father is. Be faithful. Be loyal. Be dedicated.

Be daring to believe that God’s Word is true.

Be daring to love someone who HATES you.

Be daring to step out, going against the grain, to do what the Lord’s called you to do.

Never look back when you take that first step forward.

But don’t be afraid to cry… you’re not weak because you cry, but you cry because you’re weak. It’s a simple thing to remind us that we NEED the Lord to mend us and make us whole and complete. Without Him, we can do nothing.

Don’t be afraid to take someone’s hand. You may have been hurt before, but don’t let that shut you down to where you’ll never trust again. You just have to know HOW to trust. Put the Lord first and acknowledge Him in ALL things, and He will lead you down the right path… to the right people. Beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing, but don’t retreat because there might be wolves! You’re called to be as bold as a lion, to fear NOTHING and NO ONE! So, when that hand is extended towards you… look up.

Being alone is different than being lonely. You CAN be alone and NOT be lonely. But you can also NOT be alone but BE lonely! No person can make you complete, only Jesus can do that. No one can love you and tell you all the things you want to hear to the point where you FEEL loved… for that need will surface again… it won’t SATISFY. Learn to love the Lord with all of your heart (by giving yourself over to Him, and HIS will), and as you become CONTENT in that, you will find the satisfaction you’ve been seeking all along. All discontentment shows us is where we’re not yielding to the Lord… we’re still holding onto what WE want.

Lose your life, don’t try to save it.

Your story is unwritten. The pen is equivalent to your will. What will you choose to fill your pages with?

Entry 166: One Heart, One Night, Twice Broken

2011-12-23T23:57:00.003-05:00

“If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart.” -Oswald Chambers

While I was leafing through My Utmost For His Highest, the above sentence leapt off the pages. I didn’t understand why, considering that I’d been given the directions I’d been shown, but it bothered me.

A broken heart!?

And this then led me to remember different parts out of Nancy Missler’s books where things become the hardest when it seems like everything that happens is CONTRARY to what the Lord’s shown us through the scriptures. Everything you’re standing for and on falls apart. Everything you do as you go forward at His lead becomes even MORE dark and seems to NOT work out.

And I kept wondering WHY I was even being shown or thinking like that. I already had enough happen this year. Why would yet ANOTHER spell of a broken heart become present NOW?!

And now it’s making sense.

I have often said that my brother and the guy I was involved with are very similar. I’ve always meant that in such a positive manner. However, as they run SO completely parallel, it’s only now that I’ve actually come to see the painful part of that statement.

It began shortly after finishing posting my last blog entry tonight. I had read something that caught me off guard and it revealed a deeper layer of hurt and I began to cry. I recognized the death that’s occurring and it was like I SAW what I’d actually gone through during the six months in Tennessee… and I just began to have tears stream down my face and all I could do was hold my pillow and close my eyes and ask the Lord to take away the hurt I felt as far as the east is from the west.

But that wasn’t all.

Shortly after, still a little more emotional at this point, and kind of defensive, I came to find out more about my stay here in Rhode Island.

And yet again, as these two scenarios had been literally back to back upon my departure from Tennessee to my arrival in Rhode Island, so were these TWO realizations tonight!! I couldn’t just have one and then, LATER, have the other. No. They were both getting slammed in my face.

And, my Lord… they run so EXACTLY parallel one could mistake one for the other!!

And then I was immediately faced with a choice: I could either let my emotions run wild and justify my hurt and confusion and anger and bitterness because of what’s happened, OR I could choose to forgive BOTH of them unconditionally and give every single morsel of that justified hurt, confusion, anger and bitterness to the Lord, believing that He will align my feeling and emotions to align with my faith choice.

Well, being angry and emotional isn’t pleasant. I’ve been so even keeled, except for the excitement I’ve actually had about moving and leaving this wilderness, that when I actually got MAD, I surprised even myself. It takes quite a bit to get me mad anymore.

However, as my head began to spin as not just one but BOTH situations were back in my face, the only thing I could do was jump in the shower. And as I stepped under that hot water, all I could do was cry. It was THAT grevious to me!

“Though he slay me, yet will I trust Him.” Job 13:15

I am choosing to write this entry at this moment because sometimes the greatest victories can come through our hurts and pains that we go through. Having your heart broken does NOT feel good, but if this all serves a greater purpose, then… okay, Lord.

If somehow by Him bringing me to broken heartedness, AGAIN and AGAIN, is going to make me into the woman and wife and mother and minister He’s called me to be, then I’m not going to fight it. I’m not going to use this as fuel to tell certain persons off, no matter WHAT the accusations are. I’m not going to lay into either one of them what I “think” about either situation, for I’ve sown WAY too much seed to destroy it all by harsh, emotional words.

It doesn’t matter how justified I may feel, I’m still responsible for my actions. I can either react or respond to these matters. I’ve got that choice. But, the reality is that when you really have a relationship with the Lord and you include Him all the time in your decisions throughout the day and talk with Him about things as they come up, you know you can’t run… not now! And you also know that if you allow anything to come between your relationship with Him, you won’t have His peace anymore. And, not to mention, it says in Mark 11 that when you go to pray, if you don’t forgive, then He won’t forgive YOU.

Well, I’ve got quite a few prayers I’m wanting answered and I CANNOT afford to be in unforgiveness with ANYONE. I CANNOT afford to NOT be in His peace anymore. One you experience it, you really can’t, and won’t, settle for less! It’s the most comforting and amazing feeling there is, because it doesn’t matter WHAT happens, you’re in this bubble of sorts, where nothing touches you. You see things from a different perspective because your emotions aren’t all tied in, yet you have this unconditional compassion and insight! It’s like finally seeing things clearly.

But tonight… well, tonight my heart has been broken. Twice.

So, this really IS like a death that’s occurring.

Especially as I’m also crucifying and letting go of this hurt in exchange for His life. I cannot change how I feel, only the Lord can do that. But I’m acknowledging it. I’m not running from it or hiding it or mulling over all of my justified hurts to present my case. I’m choosing to relinquish my own wants in these two matters and am laying myself down at His feet. This all FEELS awful, but where there is mourning, joy follows.

If you give yourself over to the Lord, it’s THEN that He works all things out for our good. That’s what it means to LOVE the Lord. To give ourselves over to Him. It’s a laying down of our will for His.

I’ve come SO far I cannot afford to be distracted. I’m almost out of the wilderness…

I can do this. I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!

So, alright, Lord, thank you for breaking my heart. I can already see, and feel, You humbling me all the more in this. Show me a better way. I’m not trying to do this on my own. These situations are so close to my heart, Lord, that I CAN’T do it on my own!!! I am open to Your direction. I am willing to lower myself so You can shine through me. I am willing to be a living sacrifice so YOU can love them THROUGH me. I repent of beginning to develop a hardened heart, I’m letting it go. I’m turning it over to You. I choose to forgive them… I hold nothing against them… In Jesus’ name, Amen.

God allows things to happen, though we aren’t always going to understand why, especially when those things can be so harsh and upsetting. However, He is the only One that can be relied upon 24/7. He’s not friend you want to forsake, for He’s ALWAYS there to comfort us, even when we can’t HEAR Him. Silence should be remembered to be a time of longsuffering, not one of forsaking. If you can’t hear Him and you’re doing all you know to do, then simply know He’s waiting to see what you’ll do. Can you trust Him with naked faith that doesn’t FEEL anything?! He hasn’t changed, but it’s US He’s wanting to change.

He knows how to deliver us. He knows how to vindicate us. He knows how to defend and be a refuge for us. He knows how to provide for us. He knows how to heal us from the inside out, to make us whole. He knows how to guide us… and just when to part the waters!

And to really have God’s best, we MUST give Him the junk. If something is being amplified in us (like how I got angry and then hurt, etc), then that is the right time for us to DEAL with those things and hand them over to the Lord. In His great mercy He shows us where we’re missing it so that we have opportunity to go to Him about it and get it taken care of, one layer at a time!! It’s not about fixing ourselves, but being transformed as we continue in developing a relationship with the Lord. We aren’t called to be perfect in the sense of flawless, but perfect in the sense of mature, being more like Him. It’s a continuous growth, it never stops. But it’s all contingent, one choice at a time.

Don’t bury the hurt… let it be exposed so you can be rid of it!

Freedom doesn’t come from holding on, it comes from letting go.

When you lose your life, it’s then you save it. (Luke 9:24)

No PERSON can ever truly make you happy, except for THE Person, Jesus. He is the only one who can make us whole and complete. No person has that ability. And if we try, that foundation is destined to fail, while HIS love NEVER fails.

Entry 165: The Final Death

2011-12-23T17:19:00.004-05:00

Separating the wheat from the tares is all a part of the process of when a new harvest arrives. And so, I want to share with you how I am currently doing this. Maybe by reading my own personal example, it can help you…

First, I will begin with briefly covering previous harvests I’ve encountered over this last year. Shortly after arriving in Tennessee, the Lord showed me that I’d be moving within another 3-6 months. And, as time went on, I found that each time a harvest would come about, after I’d pushed through and overcame some obstacle and pressure, I’d end up throwing away or donating more of my things. I remember at one point where I threw away so many of my writings and stenos and such that it took me a few days to wrap my head around it! Furthermore, when it came to my second novel, In Due Time, the Lord told me to throw it out because He had a BETTER ending…

But all of these writings, the clothes I’d held onto, the memories I wouldn’t let go of by holding onto sentimental things… I had to RELEASE it ALL so that HE could come and bring about a resurrection of HIS glory!

When you lose your life, it’s then you save it.

And every time I have a harvest, I notice that both the good AND the bad become apparent. The pressure would is lifted and there’s a new level of freedom for me. And in this freedom I see more of where I really am with everything. It shows me where my bad habits still lie and where I could eventually be snagged by something I still desire to do. Whereas my first instinct is to become completely unguarded, I’ve since learned it’s still crucial to keep my eye keen and my ears open.

There’s still more of my story to write… I’m not done yet!

For me, going through my things and seeing what I don’t need to have around any longer always runs parallel to the spiritual side of me. I’m not saying that everyone needs to go and get rid of their things, but I AM saying that sometimes if we take inventory of what we DO have in our homes we can see what maybe… just maybe… we’ve been holding onto that is HINDERING us in some way.

I’ve gone out of my way to sift through EVERYTHING I own when these harvests come up, and as I’m now down to 6 boxes and a few duffel bags, I like that as I go through, there’s less and less that I find needs to go. I’m literally stripped down to the bare minimum. Things don’t own ME, I own THEM. When I see something that I have, it doesn’t carry with it memories that I wish to forget. If so, then I need to evaluate WHY I still have it. I don’t need a flood of bad memories to come up every time I open my jewelry box. I don’t want that every time I drink coffee I’m using a mug that carries sorrow along with it because of who gave it to me, or what it represented.

I want to be SURROUNDED by GOOD things. I want things that inspire me and remind me of why I am fighting. I want things around me that bring smiles to not only my face, but others who see it. I want to have encouragement wherever I set my foot in my house, for that’s my own personal place of refuge in this cruel, cruel world!

So, here I am… I’m still in Rhode Island, but I’m moving in about a week’s time.

I have everything packed that can be packed, but I find that I’m right back to sifting again. I am being reminded of things I still have and am separating the wheat from the tares.

What do I need to let go of this time?

Hmm…

“Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:18-19

Let me show you something…

First, remember that God will meet us wherever we are, both geographically, physically, intellectually, financially and most definitely spiritually!!!

All during this year the Lord’s given me a blueprint for each month as to what my focus should be on. It’s usually one or two words, and all during the month He shows me scriptures and teaches me. It always falls into place with what I’m dealing with.

Well, this month’s whole theme was “Coming Home.”

On my calendar for the month of December is a log cabin that’s covered with snow. This reminds me of Virginia. A VERY specific place in Virginia that I’ve only been to ONE time. But when I turned the month of November over and saw this picture… my yearning to be “home” grew all the stronger!

A couple of weeks ago I went on two drives around the whole state of Rhode Island to pass by this one beach and to drive over the bridges. It immediately reminded me of Florida and I drank in every second of the way the fiery orange sun, that was close to setting, shone upon the dark waters as I went over this very high bridge. But, my mind wasn’t about Florida, I was very set on the fact that the cities I was driving through were the of the same names of those in Tennessee (Bristol, Newport, etc.!).

There were also a couple of things I bought during these trips that I wasn’t expecting, especially a journal I picked up. I felt so drawn to this journal I had NO idea why. I kept expecting to get something with mountains or something more country, but I felt so incredibly drawn to this one that had beaches and sunsets and such… and so I bought it.

But I had so many questions…

Well… it finally hit me…

I have been talking about coming home… and here I bought a journal representative of my FIRST home…

And now I’m going to Florida.

I am going FORWARD to Florida.

Not back!

This is a step TOWARDS my dreams, not away.

And it’s made me realize something (well, here’s one point, anyway).

I believe that the Lord hardened people’s hearts this year on purpose. I believe that the Lord drew me not only into the VERY obvious wilderness up here in Rhode Island… but also to the wilderness I experienced in Tennessee. Over these last nine months, in all honesty, it’s really just been… ME.

Yes, I wrote over 160 letters to the man I moved 1,000 miles to be with, BUT I only SAW him six times over the course of SIX MONTHS!! I figured that if I had been waiting for him since August of 2009 and had known him for 20 years prior to that, then while I was THERE, was I willing to wait?

Yep! You betcha!

But see, I don’t have memories like “normal” people when it comes to relationships. My “memories” consist of me… WAITING. And while I waited I continued to become the woman that God’s created me to be! I did the most active thing I could have done. I went on with my life and made the decisions I needed to make, following the Lord as best I could!!

But I STILL don’t know what it’s like to have my hand be taken. I still don’t know what it’s like to be taken out on dates. I can hardly count the ONE official “date” I was taken out on to be exceptional. I mean, when the other person has their guard up so high… well, that’s what fear does…

And even when I was told, after leaving for one week to help my brother, that this person had “met someone” I STILL didn’t believe it to be true! Nor did I believe the long list of things that they gave me… through a text message. I figured that he knew how stubborn I could be and didn’t want to stop me from moving to help my brother for a time. In all honesty, this made me fall even MORE in love with that man.

I mean, I had JUST been with him and his family and his son… I felt at such rest and ease being with them… I felt… peace.

I thought it must have been SO hard to have let me go…

But, later, he wrote me to tell me that he was engaged and that I should move on.

Because of where I was with the Lord when I read his email, I didn’t react to the news. I already had been talking to the Lord extensively about him and I already knew MY direction. And so I prayed and stayed quiet before the Lord. I didn’t tell anyone what happened. And the Lord showed me to fast and pray for three days and by the end I’d know what to do.

By the end of the three days, the Lord showed me to write him a letter and what scriptures I was to give him of how I was to handle this matter. And you know what the Lord gave me? The parable of the Prodigal Son. I’ve never heard of anyone using that in a marriage counseling session or anything, and it’s certainly NOT what I would have though of… but I felt peace and rest about it.

And, as I stood and just kept on being that strong woman that I am, I became that much STRONGER!! I became that much MORE at REST!!!! I slept like a baby. I got revelations upon revelations. I studied and drank in His Word ALL DAY LONG!!! I laughed and giggled as though nothing was wrong! Only the Lord could have kept me in such peace, for it went beyond all human understanding.

No one knew the immense pressures that I came up against, for I continuously would labor into rest BEFORE going out to face the world. I rose early in the morning and would pray and read and talk to the Lord about whatever was on my heart. I'd stay up late doing the same. I was "hid" in a sense during this time.

And then things got REALLY bad up here!!! I was in desperate need for the Lord to part the waters of impossibility and make a way of escape for me. It was time for me to go, but I had NO direction yet! The only thing I did know for sure was that I’d already put in my two week notice at work (till I transfer to another one), and there were only a couple of days left till I was going to be temporarily without a job.

And I then got the direction to STAND STILL.

BE STILL.

And everything stopped.

I would sit on my bed and just stay in silence. Everything was to be STILL.

I’d lay down, hugging my pillow, and could feel His comfort wash over me as I’d let myself drift off to sleep for a bit, instead of reading or praying or anything else.

Rest.

Just rest.

And I did this for a few days… I didn’t try to light my own fire. I didn’t try to MAKE things happen.

Shh…

Stay still…

And SUDDENLY a few revelations hit me! I began to write out these VERY long text messages. No one really knew exactly all that I was faced with (nor am I writing it), but I felt it SO pressing for me to write out what the Lord was showing me right then.

And this one woman texted me back and asked me something that seemed so random and out of place… but see, my eyes were OPEN. I had been WATCHING for the Lord!!! WAITING for Him!

And suddenly the waters parted and I KNEW what I was to do.

I was to move to Florida!

I hurried and called my first store and they told me to call back in the morning. So, I called at 8:02am (the store opens at 8), and when I got off the phone with my store manager…

Everything changed for me.

And everything has continued to change ever since!

The Lord is doing a NEW thing…

And as I asked the Lord about how I’m to handle the MANY, MANY questions people are going to have about me and this man I moved to be 1,000 miles to be with…

Well, the last I heard from him, he said he was engaged.

And NOW I am to the point where I can, with a CLEAR conscience, actually go out with someone else and NOT have him in the back of my head. I won’t feel guilty like I gave up or something. And, I don’t have a ton of baggage. There’s nothing left to “get over” because NOTHING HAPPENED!!! I’ve been just ME, in all actuality

I’ve spent the last 2 ½ years WAITING… not DATING!!

There’s a difference.

There is NO way I’d be able to date ANYONE else until I had all of this resolved with this man.

And even though there are a TON of questions and gaps that hold NO explanation…

This has been the final death.

I can go forward.

If I fought for 5 years to try and salvage a marriage that was NOT put together by God, how much more would I fight for one that was!?

In addition… If I fought for 2 ½ years for a man that I didn’t even get to SEE… how much MORE loyal and dedicated would I be to someone that I COULD see!?!?!

And I AM thankful that the Lord hardened this man’s heart so that he DIDN’T tell me all the things I longed to hear… that CONSTANT rejection has been used to make me who I am today. All that needy, clingy crap that I used to operate under is gone.

When the time is right, the man who will ultimately win my hand in marriage will chase ME.

He will not hesitate in taking my hand... to lead me!

Entry 164: Harvest of a New Beginning

2011-12-22T08:38:00.002-05:00

“But they that WAIT UPON THE LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and NOT BE WEARY; and they shall walk and NOT FAINT.” Isaiah 40:31

There is a discipline in waiting. There is a laying down of our own wants, desires, dreams, goals and ambitions when we are required to WAIT. But just as His ways and thoughts are higher than ours, so are His RESULTS! Whenever the Lord has you wait, you can be assured there is growth that will run parallel, IF you let patience have its perfect work in you!

If your eyes are always WATCHING for Him while you’re going through the waiting period, you will always SEE Him working right through your storm. However, if you focus on the problems your faced with (the waves and the wind, which hold NO substance), then you will continuously be falling into a deeper darkness of despair and defeat… which is all a LIE! And the same goes with what you allow to come out of your mouth. Remember, the greatest mistake the Israelites made while in the wilderness was complaining.

THINGS CAN CHANGE IN AN INSTANT!!

I always knew that it was possible for us to follow the blueprint that Jesus left behind for us as He was able to sleep soundly in a boat while a great storm raged around Him. I knew that for us to do this, it’d require trust and dependence on the Father to a degree that I desperately wanted and needed! I knew there was a way to live without the panic, no matter WHAT set of circumstances hit…

But HOW do we get there?!

God is faithful in that when you ask Him, He answers (in one way or another!).

For me, he led me out into a wilderness and hid me! The rejection, abandonment and isolation was enough to crush me, had I let it. However, the Lord knew EXACTLY what He was doing, and KNEW that if I got my MIND right about it, I’d find the treasure and the freedom I was ultimately seeking!

And He was right. The Lord knows best!!

In my complete and utter isolation, I found that I wasn’t alone, for HE was there. Nothing separated me from Him. He’s become so real to me that all others are mere shadows now. I am connected to people, but disconnected on the inside as He is my first love.

He literally kicked out from under me every single support till all of my dependence fell upon HIM. And, in all honesty, how else would I be able to teach others with the force and passion that’s required of me had I NOT been pressed to such extremes?! I’m not saying that everyone is destined to go through the same course as me, but that I was pressed out of measure and broken so severely FOR others!!! I BECAME broken bread so that others could eat!

Every single obstacle I’ve overcome is for the ministry! It’s all for His glory to be revealed.

Where there was rejection, the Lord’s given acceptance. I even notice while I’m at work that I carry myself differently. As of right now, I’m one of the only people in my store who’s been able to sell more than just a couple of the monthly special of batteries (2 for $10.00) during my shifts. So, why am I pointing this out? Because I used to have a VERY hard time suggesting to customers ANY monthly special! But this time around, I prayed about it, told the Lord that I know He can give me favor in man’s sight and that I hoped He would, for it’d please my store manager if I could sell them (I don’t personally care one bit!). And so I did my part and ask EVERY SINGLE customer in the way I believe He showed me, which holds no guile or pressure. And I can do it now because I’m not afraid of their rejection. I’m not afraid of them saying “no.”

Because I AM accepted!!! I AM loved. I AM as the apple of my Father’s eye. What man thinks of me is mute. Man’s shallow interpretation of me holds no value, so why should their words?

Furthermore, when I was abandoned, the Lord became my refuge. He’s taken care of my EVERY need. I’ve never gone without, or was begging for bread. All of my bills have been paid. I’ve gone, done and taken care of everything that I believe He’s led me to do over these last three months. And where disappointments have tried to DISTRACT me, the Lord reminds me that when you lose your life… it’s then you FIND it!

The things I have had to leave behind to follow Him have NOT been forgotten.

The comforts I forsook as He directed me, have only caused me to find greater comfort in Him.

And the many, many tears of hurt and confusion I had when I first moved up here are being transformed into joy!

The end of a thing is better than its beginning…

So, as the waters have now parted, I am ready to walk on dry land, as my journey continues!

I’ve been given the solid direction to move back to Florida. I guess that tidbit I had written on August 27th (which I included in the Entry “Going Back To the Beginning”) was quite literal because I AM literally going back to the beginning!

And, again, the timeframe I was given was right on. I said three months, and that’s exactly how long I’ve been here.

I am going to Florida with a different plan of action than I had originally thought.

THINGS CAN CHANGE IN AN INSTANT!

When I get there, I am arriving as a SINGLE woman, no ties to ANYONE.

I don’t know if the move is temporary or permanent, but there is SPECIFIC reason for why I laid such groundwork in Virginia and Tennessee. When that harvest comes, it will definitely be apparent!

However… I’ve already been given a specific timeframe (AGAIN!!), and this one has the promise of being PLANTED and SETTLED. In one year’s time I moved from Florida to Tennessee… From Tennessee to Rhode Island… and now Rhode Island to Florida. I’ve made one huge circle, but it’s all been directed by the Lord. One decision has led to another, and as I SEE how the Lord has changed me, I am NOT going back to Florida the same as when I left!!

I am SO excited to see what the Lord’s got for me!

All I know is that He’s got NO problem in bringing the right person upon my path at the RIGHT time.

And… in all honesty… it’s caused me to wonder if the one who is helping me in this move could also be a reason for my return. There was a definite “wrong timing” issue at hand when I had left Florida, but he was the ONE person that I would have stayed for. And at hearing his voice after all these months and his quickness to help me… I just can’t help but suddenly wonder. And, not to mention, because of the direction I’d been given before, I have not gone out on a single date since… March 28th. And before that, my last REAL date was… um… well… 2003?!

Wow… that’s a LONG time.

So, besides the one I had moved 1,000 miles to be with, this is the only other man I would trust to take me out on a REAL date and KNOW I’d have fun just being in his company.

But… what makes this whole new beginning so different from other times I’ve “moved on” is that my motivation is different. The way I SEE things has changed. I’m watching and praying and know that I am not going to settle… but am VERY open to His direction.

I only want God’s best…

So, as I am not fighting that the Lord is definitely doing a NEW thing, I feel even MORE rest about this move!!

I am going to Florida with a fresh radiance.

I am going to Florida knowing that this time period I’m entering is to be viewed as a “bridge.” And what’s on the other side of that bridge?

The place in which I will be PLANTED… SETTLED.

The time is nearing…

The counterfeit comes before the REAL thing.

So, all I can do is…

SMILE! ;)

Entry 163: The Waters Will Part

2011-12-19T06:28:00.001-05:00

Upon passing my final test, I’ve been thrown right into the ending… though THIS is where I will either sink or swim. I have NEVER EVER been put to the extreme as I am right NOW. THIS is where I will either cover my face in shame, or come out shining…

But as one thing is happening after another, I CANNOT help but FEEL the anchor in me rise UP!! My eyes and ears and heart are strictly upon my God, for there is NO other way out, but by Him. I cannot become distracted by offense, unforgiveness or justified hurts. I cannot take into account the place upon which I will even lay my head upon.

“Take no thought for the morrow…”

As I read in Matthew 6, I saw how when we focus on our daily needs, we’re actually delving into having an evil eye. Those aren’t the things we’re supposed to think on, for it becomes a distraction. We’re to go on, KNOWING that the Lord will provide for us, for doesn’t He take care of the birds?!

That evil eye turns our being into darkness because it blinds us. It causes fear, doubt and unbelief. We think we know better… but we don’t! That evil eye is just another way of saying DOUBLE minded. You cannot follow TWO visions at the same time. Just like you cannot serve two masters equally. You will either love one, or hate the other.

Wherever your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

As these circumstances continuously appear, and things look SO COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE, they ALL only seem to push me CLOSER to the Lord. I somehow know that the Lord is orchestrating these things around me, though His direction is vague. It’s literally one day at a time.

Watch and pray…

Trust. Believe only.

What is impossible with men is possible with God.

He is my shield and my buckler, on Him do I put my trust.

What has been hidden will be manifested.

The glory of the Lord is coming… no matter how many hindrances have been put in its way, the purposes of the Lord will NOT lie dormant and go unseen.

Things can change in an instant.

But one CANNOT lose heart!!

“Be still, and know that I am God…”

Over the last few days I’ve been hearing that inside of me, so I went ahead and looked up that word “still.” Do you know what I found? The root word leads right to the word “rapha,” which ultimately means to be made whole and thoroughly repaired. I’m sure some of you have heard Jehovah Rapha, the God that heals, from Exodus 15:26. (etc., etc! So much more to say on this, but time permits me!)

The Lord will take us into a wilderness to HEAL us!! We are to STOP and be STILL for this is how we will know that HE alone is God!! None of our own comforts will satisfy or bring us to real joy. No amount of money can establish us or make us come to a place of contentment. Without the Lord as the base for ALL aspects of life, one runs a rat race, trying desperately to fill the place of God. And that can be through food, sex, extracurricular activities, going to church!!, work, social outings, movies, music, reading, fishing, and the such.

Your first love is revealed through circumstances.

The only time we really “have” is NOW. What will you do with your NOW!? You’ve got a decision to make. You’ve got a call to obedience… so what will you do with it?

And someone is waiting on the other side of your obedience…

Including ME!

“Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him…” Job 13:15.

In Exodus 14, after the Israelites are at the banks of the Red Sea and they clearly see the Egyptians coming up from behind to attack them, they are stricken with fear and anguish, asking why God brought them out into the wilderness to die. But what does the Lord tell Moses to say to the people?

“FEAR NOT, STAND STILL, and SEE the salvation of the Lord, which he will shew to you today; for the Egyptians whom ye have seen today, ye shall see them again no more forever. The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace. And the Lord said unto Moses, Wherefore criest thou unto me? Speak unto the children of Israel, that they GO FORWARD; But lift thou up thy rod, and stretch out thine hand over the sea, and divide it; and the children of Israel shall go on dry ground THROUGH the midst of the sea.” Exodus 14:13-16.

Even at a time like that, the Lord told them to STAND STILL.

Do you know how impossible it looked to be sandwiched between a raging sea and an angry army!?!?!

But what did the Lord do???

He parted the waters of impossibility!

And they didn’t just walk on soppy, muddy ground, but DRY ground, to where their feet wouldn’t slip!

THAT is God!!!!!!

And I also noticed that if you read earlier in the chapter, the Lord hardened Pharaoh’s heart AGAIN, and that’s why he led the army to go after the Israelites. But why, right? Well, it says straight out in the bible that he did it to let Pharaoh and the Egyptians KNOW that He alone is the one TRUE God. And the ways of the Egyptians led them straight to their death, for the Red Sea swallowed them up, and they were no more.

Go forward…

Be strong and very courageous, for the Lord is with you whithersoever ye shall go.

THIS is how God’s glory becomes revealed…

So I’m ready!!

I’m watching!!

For the time has come… all that’s been in secret will be revealed!!

And I can’t wait to SEE the salvation of the Lord finally come to sight!!

Entry 162: The Final Test

2011-12-16T00:40:00.001-05:00

“Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.” James 1:12

Everything can change in an instant…

I want to begin by saying that I know there are many people who don’t “get” my life or the decisions I make. I am quite aware of it, not to mention I hear it from time to time. Or, in some cases, I see the disapproving looks of question and confusion.

But I MUST follow my OWN conscience… it’s what I’d expect of YOU, whomever you are reading this…

When all is said and done, there is only ONE Person you have to answer to, but are you answering to Him NOW?

During this year of 2011 I’ve lived in Florida, Tennessee and Rhode Island. This was NOT my plan. This was NOT what I foresaw happening this year. Nope. This was the first year in which I had no real set long term direction or goal. Everything was mostly one direction, one day at a time. Or else I’d gotten some timeframes and a few things here and there, but not like I’m used to.

And being where I am in Rhode Island, it’s like I’ve been hidden away for the last three months, just like I wrote about back on my birthday, August 27th. I’ve been hidden so that I could be further prepared. The Lord literally drew me into the wilderness and got me completely isolated so that He could have His way with me. I’ve had laid such a foundation for ministry it’s amazing!! There’s really no other way it could have happened without the rigorous tests I’ve endured and pushed through.

I’ve been hidden away… but now I’m beginning to come out.

You don’t light a candle to then put it in your drawer, but you place it on a table for ALL to see it’s light and SHINE!!

And that light has a drawing effect.

While at first I didn’t understand why I was being so completely abandoned and rejected and separated to such extremes, the Lord has CLEARLY shown me that HE is the one who hardened the people’s hearts involved so that He could have me all to Himself. How do I know this? Because I asked the Lord and He showed me time and time again how HE hardened people’s hearts in the bible. It seemed like I ALWAYS came across something about that. He hardened Pharaoh’s heart. Why? So that in the end he would KNOW who the one true God is. Not WAS. But IS.

There are a GREAT many things that I had wanted to happen earlier this year, but it just never did. I was very confused and frustrated, yet all I knew to do was follow the Lord. I mean, have you ever moved 1,000 miles to be with someone, yet to only find yourself living alone, never going out, yet… all you DO have peace doing is reading and studying your bible and other ministry materials and writing that person you moved to be with a letter (or two or three!) every single day for six months!?!?

I moved 1,000 miles to sow into the life of ONE person.

Yet, at the same time, I was laying the ground work for my return…

I just didn’t know that’s what I had been doing.

I was merely following the Lord as best I could, NOT being able to SEE anything.

The best way I know to put it is that the Lord loves this person SO much that he sent ME 1,000 miles to a place I’d never been before… and while I was there… I was STILL hidden.

Like it wasn’t time yet.

But I was there.

You know the song by Simon and Garfunkel “Bridge Over Troubled Water?” Well, literally, like a bridge over troubled water, I laid myself down… for that one person.

I chose to NOT go out because there were things that pressed so heavily on my heart to attend to that going out wasn’t really an option. I couldn’t!! I was arrested by the Holy Spirit to study and read. I was compelled to write these letters, one after another, to this one particular person…

But still… I was hid…

Someone had said to me, “Oh, Suzanne… you’ve been waiting so long, don’t you think it’s time to give up?”

Hmm…

Here’s the thing. Each and every test that’s come about concerning this person has pushed me CLOSER to the Lord. That is how I KNOW that God’s the one who has orchestrated it all.

Now, on the other hand, as other men have tried to come into the picture, I KNOW it’s all just a test. And when this final one came along in such a way that I didn’t recognize it being part of a test, it quickly turned to a point where I could legitimately say that I “met” someone. However, It confused me. It brought many questions. I found that I had no peace and that I couldn’t even read my bible that night. The ONLY thing I could do was pray in the Spirit.

Something was wrong.

And, just to make my point, I could see pictures of this other man and I sharing a life together, which only further confused me. But, again, there was NO peace. So, I’d pray more in the Spirit. And then I’d get seriously tired and I was suddenly overeating. And then I began to not care. And all the while I’m confused… yet I’m praying in the Spirit. My mind kept wanting to entertain these things, but I finally MADE my mouth speak and GIVE those thoughts unto the Lord.

It was contaminating me… it was ALREADY having such an effect on me, I felt almost sick.

And I kept on it!! I kept refusing each and every thought that came into my head and spoke the WORD that the Lord ALREADY had given me to stand on.

Finally, when I SAW that this man was drawing me AWAY from the Lord, the reality hit me!! I SAW it!!!

And that got me mad!

I’d been struggling with this battle in my mind since the afternoon on into the morning of the next day. That’s not very long, but that’s quite a fight!! This test was itching to get through my faith and cause me to doubt and give myself over to this counterfeit.

And that’s just what he was!!!

A counterfeit!!

So, when I had revelation of what was really going on shortly after waking yesterday, I got myself ready and put quite a few books and notes and my journal into my tote bag and went out to a restaurant to get away for a while and just study. I was shown SO many things while sitting in that booth alone, my books around me and getting raspberry iced tea served to me without interruption (for they do NOT serve sweetened tea up here… these folks are strange!!). And when I was through, and had my fill of the Word and all the Lord had to show me, I ate my favorite menu items and enjoyed every bit!

See, I’ve been learning about peace. You know how the bible says to let peace rule in your heart? Well, looking further into that, it actually indicates to let peace be as an UMPIRE. God is the only one who can give peace. He is the God of Peace Himself. If there isn’t any peace… hmm… then you need to STOP and see why!

Therefore, when I felt that there was NO peace about this other man, whom I could find no fault in, I didn’t ignore it!

Even though I couldn’t read my bible right that night, I WAS able to pray in the Spirit. The Lord pressed upon me to take THAT course of action… and it’s like it laid the ground work for the rest to be built upon. It was building ME up on my most holy faith. Praying in the Spirit is what I believe enabled me to fight!!

And there is a pressure that comes about when you go to confess things to the Lord. It’s like all of these excuses come up. Or you feel stupid. Or you justify. Or reason. Or you just don’t WANT to say it because maybe a part of you doesn’t WANT to say it…

However, always remember… the spirit is always willing, but the flesh weak. Our flesh includes those areas of our soul that aren’t renewed yet. Wrong thinking.

So, by FORCING yourself to say out your mouth things to the Lord is BREAKING the bondage and the hold that “thing” has had on you. The power of life and death is in OUR tongue. It’s a gift or a curse, depending on what you CHOOSE to use it for. When you confess things to the Lord and ADMIT your weak in an area and become willing to lay down what you want and desire and you earnestly only want HIS will, it’s then that He gives you His grace. He hears the prayer of the humble, who acknowledge that He is God… and we aren’t! We cannot fix our own problems, only He can.

And only HE can change our emotions!!

So as I watched and prayed and studied and built myself up for when I’d come face to face with this man again, it was amazing!! The “feelings” were all gone. The false pictures I’d seen, that weren’t born of peace anyway, are now being shown for the twisted images they truly are. I was able to completely handle the situation. I was ready.

I was ready because I PREPARED!!!

Had I not prayed and studied and sought the Lord and confessed and threw myself before Him… who knows what I’d be doing right now!!

Or where I’d be headed!

But the path I choose to take is narrow. Very, very narrow. The Lord doesn’t allow me to stray very far.

And since having reached a place of LIVING in His peace for the last 7 weeks or so, I will do everything I possibly can to ensure I STAY in it!! And you had better believe I intend on teaching the very things I’m living out in my own life to others!! Everything I go through and discover isn’t just for me… there’s always a greater purpose!

So, why was I tested with this other man? Why did this counterfeit come across my path so suddenly after I’d just passed several other tests before him? Why was this one different?

Well, all of the tests run parallel to how Jesus was tested while in the wilderness. AFTER he’d been out in the wilderness for a while, THEN he was tested. And the three points that Jesus was tempted, so was I.

The first point is desire. Jesus hungered and so Satan tempted him with turning a stone into a loaf of bread to meet Jesus’ desire.

I have a desire to be in a relationship and Satan brought across my path guy after guy after guy!! It even got to the point that there’d be three different men in an hour’s span who would come up to me and say the SAME EXACT thing! And then they just went to new levels from there, all with the intention to distract me.

And see, by getting me distracted, what did it do?

It stopped me from praying for the one whom the Lord’s directed me to pray for. It would try to wedge itself inside my heart to cause me to doubt and to have a hardened heart. But every single time I turned away from my “desire” and would only find peace as I’d do that and continue in my earnest, fervent prayers.

And then the Lord would show me all of these scriptures to back everything up!!

The second point is trusting God. Jesus was tempted to throw himself down and to call upon the angels to save him. This was testing him on his OWN ability to make things happen, instead of waiting and trusting God the Father.

Well, I have a vision before me. I don’t know much, but I have a vision. I also have very little direction for the time being. In fact, my direction so far was to put in my two week notice, which I did… last Thursday. I now have only one week left working at my store up here… but I have NO other direction yet!!!

And all the Lord keeps telling me is, “though it tarry, wait for it.”

Holy crap!

And then I got this idea and I started to talk something DIFFERENT than the vision that the Lord gave me. And there it was… no peace! I was becoming double minded. And the “new” path I was making MYSELF was destroying the vision that the Lord had given me.

So I came to a crossroads.

And when I saw what was happening, I, again, had to MAKE myself confess it to the Lord and reject ME parting the waters!! I had to reconfirm that I trust HIM alone, and I don’t care what I see or don’t see. I won’t do ANYTHING or go ANYWHERE till He directs me.

This, in and of itself, is a HUGE stand of faith.

But… even though it may look crazy… I’m at rest. I have SO much peace about it!!!

So, finally, the third point of temptation was loving the Lord FIRST. Satan showed Jesus all of the kingdoms and riches and promised to give them to him if he’d only worship Satan.

My test came in the form of false pictures I could see on the inside of me. They were falsely promising me a life with this man. I mean, I was shown me having his child and being happy and it was just this wonderful life!!! His personality jives so well with mine. He gets my sense of humor. He likes me for ME and not just what he could get out of me. He respected me and treated me very well. He is well liked by quite a few people who ALL held him in such high regard.

I’m serious when I say that had I not prayed before AND after and truly sought the Lord… things would be VERY different this very moment.

And while all of these things seemed great and my own feelings and emotions were rising… something held as an anchor inside of me.

My feelings and emotions CANNOT be trusted. Neither can my eyes!!!

So, think about this…

I had NO peace, which acted as my umpire, letting me know that something was wrong.

I sought the Lord, but recognized there was a definite struggle and pressure, where all I could do was pray in the Spirit. Then, after confessing and handing over these things to the Lord, it was THEN that He aligned my feelings and emotions to line up with my faith choice.

I chose to go back to what the Lord HAD shown me, because I believed this man was a test.

And now, after being around this man again, all of those feelings are gone!!!

See, that is the Lord!!!! You cannot change your own feelings!!!! Only the Lord can!!

So this is how you can decipher whether something is REAL or not.

You go to Him… you ASK Him… you be WILLING to lay down your OWN will for His.

And then you will SEE what remains!!

You know, just before this test came my way, the Lord had opened something up to me. I’d been helping out a customer in this really weird way, but somehow knew that something important was behind it. And as I was helping, I saw something pop out at me in the card isle. It was a marker for the Christmas cards that read something like, “Waited For Love.” And it struck me to such levels…

As I walked away I asked the Lord about it, and 1 Corinthians 13 came to mind.

Love is Patient.

Isn’t that the usual opening we hear? Well, if you go to the regular King James version, it says, “Love is LONGSUFFERING.”

Do you know what that means? Yes, patience… but it’s more than that! Longsuffering means to stick something out no matter the hardship to see it to its end!! It’s perseverance and endurance. It’s willingness to suffer LONG despite the circumstances.

And then it got me to think of the end where it says that love never fails.

And I looked up the root for “fail” and found that it means to not fall away from, or from a position.

Well… isn’t that what I’m doing?

I have CLEARLY been shown that I can attract men. I don’t have a problem with that… at all. But as the Lord told me one morning in August after all of these circumstances suddenly arose, “Suzanne, I cannot have you even THINK of another man…”

Well, I simply cannot.

And when my eyes begin to wander, or someone is trying to get my attention, those words rise up in me. The promises He’s shown me come back. The pages upon pages of notes and scriptures and the hours and days of fasting and prayer all come to my remembrance.

Am I really going to give up???

Have I come this far and laid down myself and my will this long to follow the Lord that I‘m just going to… give up?!?!?

Tell me, why would the Lord continuously infill me with a love so pure and deep for a man that I’m not supposed to be with? Why would the Lord press me during the night to pray for him if nothing were to come out of it? Why would the Lord give me scriptures and show him to me so vividly and clear? Why would the Lord be so strict with me…

Unless there is a purpose behind it!

Because let me tell you… when you’re out in a wilderness and all you’ve got is you and the Lord… you don’t really care about holding onto people who aren’t supposed to be in your life.

I’ve also been asked about my time in Tennessee, and this is what I’ve got about that…

I see where I am today, and I KNOW that there’s no WAY that I’d be where I am had this man told me all the things I’d wanted so desperately to hear. Whereas I thought it was FINALLY time… it wasn’t. Had I heard all of the sweet and wonderful things that most every woman wants to hear, it would have GREATLY hindered me. Therefore… the Lord had to harden his heart.

Because it’s not just ONE person in a relationship… it’s two.

And we BOTH would need to know that ONLY God could have brought this thing together. It couldn’t be based on emotions, feelings or sex. It HAD to be founded upon agape love… period!! Everything else after that becomes a BLESSING. Storge love, the emotional love. Eros love, the romantic and sexual love. And phileo, the friendship kind of love.

If you’re going to have a REAL Love relationship, this is how it’s built. If sex is part of the foundation, then it will fall. If only friendship or emotions build a relationship, it will be proven as “life” happens. A relationship founded on anything other than agape love is destined to fall away…

What is true… remains.

And it won’t always make sense… especially when, according to circumstances, everything says it’s time to just walk away… and move on…

But if there is an anchor, you MUST serve your conscience.

I will say this, if I were to walk away right now, it’d ONLY be because others have told me to. And, if I were to suddenly die after walking away, I’d KNOW that I disappointed the Lord for I put man’s wisdom above His.

I DO NOT CARE WHAT THINGS LOOK LIKE!!!

There’s been so much opposition… yet I’ve been in more peace NOW than I’ve ever experienced before in my life!!!

God’s peace cannot be duplicated. You cannot fabricate the peace of God.

It either comes from within and flows out… or else it doesn’t.

It’s a fruit.

You can’t fake fruit!

Standing and praying for this man has made me more settled in every single other area of my life. I don’t understand that… but it has. This ONE area I’d been so double minded in had been affecting everything else!! But since the end of October, and then more fervently since November 9th, I can honestly say it’s been an honor to pray for this man. It’s been an honor to be woken during the night and have it pressing on me to pray for him, and I cannot stop till I feel a release. It’s been an honor to speak good things over him and scriptures and blessings… LIFE!!! It’s been an honor to walk by faith and not by sight.

It’s been an honor to stand by him… even though I am so very far away right now…

The Lord told me I would be used mightily in this man’s life… and around the end of October I was shown in the scriptures the fashion in which this would happen.

And when I was presented with a set of circumstances, the Lord then specifically gave me The Prodigal Son as to how I am to go about handling this matter, and so I will include it in this entry:

Luke 11:11-24

11And he said, A certain man had two sons:

12And the younger of them said to his father, Father, give me the portion of goods that falleth to me. And he divided unto them his living.

13And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living.

14And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began to be in want.

15And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into his fields to feed swine.

16And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him.

17And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger!

18I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee,

19And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants.

20And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.

21And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son.

22But the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet:

23And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry:

24For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry.

Arise and shine my strong, courageous NEW man…

I won’t give up… and I won’t give up on YOU!!!!

I love you with all of my heart.

Always and Forever…

Entry 161: Going Back To the Beginning

2011-12-09T13:38:00.001-05:00

This is going to be a different kind of entry, though still, in many ways, the same…

I can’t even really begin to tell you the exact way as to how I came across the piece I am going to post, but I CAN tell you what’s come about since I read it. I wrote this on my birthday, August 27, 2011. All I remember is that there was this urgency to write this “scene” that I kept seeing on the inside of me.

This is what I wrote:

Only the hills could sense the rhythm of the deepest shudder that reverberated within me. For as I was enveloped in their trees, down in the valley, those hills were my only witness. Well, those and the trees that were hiding me so well. I had went off to be alone that dreadfully hot summer day, though I had no destination in mind. All I knew was that the world was too much to bear. I couldn’t stand to face it, so, instead, I was running from it. I hopped into my old and beaten Chevy truck, and it was the most peaceful sound to hear nothing but the wind as it circled around me. In fact, it was so serene that I couldn’t help but speed up so I could feel its glorious pressure against my exposed skin and face, and its unrelenting promise to make my hair wild, which really suited my present state of mind...

So here I am.

I finally stopped to rest and leaned myself against a short stump along the trail. I wiped the sweat from my brow for my eyes were beginning to burn from the sneaky droplets that seemed to increase as I went on. I breathed in the mountain air, took a look around, and realized that I really was alone.

Completely and utterly alone.

I sank to my knees almost immediately and at once I began to cry. I wasn’t going to hold it back any longer. I’d kept it in this long, but no more. It was time to feel this. It was time to let go.

As the waves of emotion rose, my chest heaved and my strength was quickly leaving my body. I clutched onto the earth beneath me, but I could find nothing in my grasp that let me know I’d be okay. I breathed again, this time I wasn’t so paralyzed, and all at once my tears stopped. I looked up to see an opening in the trees above, and could see the blueness of the sky and the slight wisp of a cloud that appeared to slowly move with the wind. I sat and stared at the sight. My eyes then fell to the path ahead of me, trickles of sunlight poured down, casting beams of light in various spots throughout.

“Lord…” I began, “I need you.”

And it was here that I chose to lay myself down and come face to face with the only one I really needed to talk to. It was at this place that I knew I’d find the answers to what had just happened. And it was here that I was going to leave, never to be the same.

It was time to go back to the beginning…

When I came across this untitled document in my computer, just a couple of weeks ago, my mouth dropped! I couldn’t hide my astonishment! It was as I read this that I saw VERY clearly that this wasn’t just some “random” piece. This was a prophetic piece, as I’m finding that almost EVERYTHING I write is that way!!

This describes EXACTLY what I’d JUST gone through (and am finally getting OUT of). I had NO way of knowing that my moving to Rhode Island would place me right into isolation. I had NO way of knowing that ANY of the things I’ve come face to face with was going to happen, especially not on August 27th!!

And then… the last sentence struck me.

“It was time to go back to the beginning…”

And so this got me curious. How far back was I to go?

And suddenly all of these things I’ve written came across my path. I’d be reminded of something and so I’d look it up. I found that I’d already been shown to start looking through my journals I’ve kept since November 14, 2009. I’ve been reading and reading and reading… rereading and rereading and searching and just been on this treasure hunt. I’ve seen the SAME EXACT scriptures pop up again and again. I’ve reread about old dreams I had in the night that I’d forgotten about. Times I wrote down in my journal the secret things that the Lord revealed to me.

And then… I even came across this CD-R that I made back in late 2009. It ended up being one of the 3 CD-R’s that I never had gotten to in my efforts of flushing old pictures and writings that I was to let go of. It was almost like the Lord had me NOT go through it, otherwise I would have most DEFINITELY thrown it away quite some time ago!!!

So I opened this CD-R and…

Holy crap!

If I’d been emotional, I would have cried.

Here it was, in my possession, the beginning…

Letters, pictures, songs, poetry, text messages…

Holy crap!

And then I saw things that hurt… I dealt with that hurt and also only took the things that were good off that CD-R (put them on my computer) and then broke and threw the actual CD away. I separated the wheat from the tares.

And this got me even more curious.

“It was time to go back to the beginning…”

I have been saying the SAME EXACT things since November of 2009 (from where I first began to record things in my journal). I’ve had the SAME EXACT scriptures. I’ve had the SAME EXACT fears and doubts. I’ve had the SAME EXACT symbolic references.

And as I’ve questioned the Lord about these MANY, MANY, MANY things, I’m just NOW getting the Word on them ALL. I’ve gotten confirmation in SO many ways it’s undeniable. His Word has confirmed the validity of what these dreams and visions stem from. I’ve been doing my homework and looking up all kinds of resources to make sure I’m standing on solid ground.

Holy crap!

And then I came across a question today in my The Way of Agape Workbook. I felt a draw to it and knew there was something in it for me… And I came across this question, “Who is responsible for changing our feelings? Can’t we just pray hard and change our own feelings? Explain why or why not.”

THAT’S THE KEY!!

You will know if something is REAL or not when you find that you are NOT basing a relationship upon how you FEEL. Your emotions and feelings will flat out LIE to you. They are SO temporal and fleeting and VERY unreliable. They are NOT foundational. Mere infatuation and desire and compatibility aren’t what will carry you through in a relationship.

It can ONLY be founded upon agape love if it’s EVER going to stand.

You have to KNOW that this relationship you’re in is ONLY founded on the ONE solid rock there really is… otherwise… when hardships come… the whole thing will fall apart.

Holy crap!

Nothing is by accident. Nothing is by chance. Nothing happens by mere coincidence.

In all honesty, I really don’t enjoy reading my journals. I’ve gone through quite a few hard times and reading through all of that is NOT my idea of fun. However, as I knew I’d gotten DIRECTION to do so, I reminded myself that if anything comes up, then it’s there for me to DEAL with it. Anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, hurt, etc.

But… since my ways of thinking have changed SOOO drastically in these last few weeks and months… reading it really wasn’t that hard, even though some of it was more recent stuff. So, since my emotions weren’t in the way, I was able to see what the Lord wanted to show me. How I’ve struggled with the SAME things. How I begin to stand but them am swayed by what I see… or DON’T see. And then I’d fall down… and when I rose again, it would be the SAME EXACT THING I was to stand on as from the BEGINNING!!!

How funny!

So, this is what I’ve gathered…

As I’ve pondered and fasted and prayed and read scripture after scripture and digged deep into the Greek and Hebrew meanings, ETC!!!, I’ve come to the rising conclusion that those things that the Lord reveals to me when I’m at my STRONGEST is what I’m to hold onto like MAD when I’m at my weakest!!!

This isn’t a new revelation, but I’m now SEEING it so very bright and CLEAR.

When I draw closer to the Lord, He opens up these things about my heart’s desire.

But when I allow things to come in and they begin to steal my faith, it’s then that there’s a beginning of a hardened heart.

And this has led me to see TWO roads ahead.

I’m at this pivotal crossroads.

He’s set before me life and death… but urges me to choose LIFE.

There is only ONE road to life… and that IS the road I choose!!

In fact, during the night He spoke to me three times and I had to write it down in between turning over. And then, before I woke up for the day I had this dream. This VERY real dream. And it was amazing… because it showed me EXACTLY what I’ve been dealing with in my own personal testing in this one area… and it confirmed so much. It wasn’t just a crazy dream. There was a significant progression and the way it was laid out.

It was a dream of seeing things for what they ARE. Not for what they APPEARED to be.

“Look beneath the surface so you can judge correctly.” John 7:24 NLT

Temptations come in pretty packages. They wouldn’t be temptations if they weren’t appealing to the senses. That’s the whole point.

On February 26, 2011, shortly after arriving in Tennessee, the Lord told me that He needed me to SEE what was at the top of my next mountain. I’d just gotten to the top of one, for I was finally IN Tennessee, but now it was onto the next.

And there, while in the shower, I saw what was on the top of my next mountain.

Do you know what it was?

Family.

It was a promise of me having a family of my own.

There was this small house on this mountain, smoke coming from the chimney. Tall, strong trees lined the background. And there I was, my husband next to me, his arm around me. I was smiling and so was he. And I was also pregnant, had a young one on my hip, another clutching my leg and two boys running around both my husband and me.

The vision is SO VERY BRIGHT AND CLEAR…

And THAT is what I’m fighting for.

I’m fighting for MY FAMILY!!

If I fought to keep a marriage together that MAN put together… how much MORE would I fight for the family that the Lord HAS brought together!??!

I’m just saying…

And how serious am I?

Well… in the three weeks since I’ve moved in with my friend and her grandmother, I’ve written now 115 pages in my new journal, completely filled with scriptures and all the things that I’ve recorded of what He’s shown me. The fasting and the praying never ceases anymore. I’m completely immersed in the Word.

I have to be.

If I’m not daring enough to believe it… then I’m not woman enough to receive it.

Every single thing I get on the inside is confirmed by His Word.

And that’s ALL I stand on.

I don’t care what I see or don’t see.

I don’t care how many “natural” things come my way, though it’s quite nice, I won’t lie. Why? Because they are SOOOO specific and the TIMING… there is NO other explanation but the Lord. And each and EVERY one of them bears witness and touches me so completely intensely… but it’s still not my foundation.

But the rock I stand on is His Word. That’s the ONLY thing I base my beliefs upon anymore. (And when you’ve had to learn the hard way… you don’t go back to any other method!!)

“Wait…” the Lord says.

“Though it tarry, wait for it.”

That comes from Habakkuk 2:2-3.

Arise and shine… for the glory of the Lord is coming… the radiance of his white clothing will shine, shine, shine. His countenance will be changed… his heart will be cleansed… his body will be made pure once again. The restoration will blossom like the lilies in the valley and the clouds will part to reveal the light that’s always been around. Though you stand at the water’s edge, WAIT. Wait for the Lord to part the waters of impossibility. For he that will come, will surely come. Just wait… the resurrection is sure to come.

I’m not giving up!

Entry 160: What Am I Afraid Of?

2011-12-04T22:45:00.001-05:00

What am I afraid of?

This unexpected question came across my path of thinking tonight, and it struck me. It was a simple question. A bold question.

What am I afraid of?

As I sat in silence, the rest of the world vanished, for I realized that this question didn’t have an immediate answer… and THAT is what struck me. THAT is what caused me to stop.

What am I afraid of?

I’m not afraid of being homeless because I’ve BEEN homeless… and technically have no “home” right now…

I’m not afraid of having no money because I’ve BEEN without money… and technically don’t have much.

I’m not afraid of losing my son because I’ve FREELY given my son as the Lord directed.

I’m not afraid of being alone… for I’ve BEEN alone and am STILL very much alone… but I’m NOT lonely.

I’m not afraid of losing my belongings… for I don’t have much and I’ve given and thrown out so much that what’s left… well, it’s just… stuff.

I’m not afraid of not being loved… I’m already NOT loved in the way I wish to be, but I shrug my shoulders because there’s more satisfaction in the Love I receive from the Lord than any human love can offer me anyway. This… in all honesty… I thought wasn’t possible.

And I’m not afraid of even dying. I actually came to the conclusion over the last couple of days that if I died right NOW, I could HONESTLY say that I’m right where I’m supposed to be (for NOW) and I’m doing exactly what I believe I’m supposed to do. I’m standing for everything I believe He’s shown me to stand for. I’m finally praying earnestly for the ones the Lord’s put in my heart. I’m the friend, daughter, sister, mother and woman that I’ve always wanted to be, and I know that as I go along I’ll become even more like Him, because He’s the one I spend the most time with.

Yes, I if I were to die tonight, I’d die knowing that I have no regrets.

I have loved and been loyal to those whom I believe the Lord’s directed me to be this way with… and there is NO shame in that.

I really don’t care what wrong another person does to me… for whatever you can take from me… it’s not worth having.

No one can take my heart or break my spirit and THAT is what I hold most valuable in this entire world.

My heart.

The price… far above rubies.

It’s worth more than all the sunsets and wide open fields and stars in the heavens.

What am I afraid of?

Well, as my shoulders still shrug as I ponder that question, I find that it leads me to the REAL answer…

What do I have faith for?

THAT is the answer.

Am I daring enough to believe the dreams and the visions and pictures that the Lord has shown me of my future?

Am I daring enough to believe that the Lord will give me the things He’s promised?

Am I daring enough to continue to lay down my own will for His… even if I NEVER get any of the things my heart longs for?

Well… one thing I have truly learned is that if I’m not in God’s will I’m miserable. I’d rather be in the harshest of conditions but KNOW that He’s put me there than to be living a life of luxury and know that I’m further from Him than ever! I’d rather be without than have more than enough if that’s where He’s wanting me to be.

And yes, I’d rather be single and never marry again or have babies… than be with the wrong person.

I SEE on the inside of me these pictures of me ministering, pictures of me married and having other children. I SEE me writing books and continuously pouring myself out to people. I SEE me on television. I SEE me traveling. I SEE me in Italy!! I SEE me wearing nice clothing, yet the clothing isn’t wearing ME.

I SEE myself as a wife… looking admiringly at my husband… him looking back at me, wondering how in the world he could EVER earn the glow I bestow unto him every day, only to realize that when he looks at me… he’s looking at how much the Lord loves HIM. No one can EARN the Love that the Lord’s put in my heart.

I SEE myself as a wife… placing NO judgment upon my husband.

I SEE myself as a wife… Loyal. Dedicated. Settled.

I’m not going anywhere.

In all honesty, someone could go ahead and take away my job, my vehicle, my clothes, my books and music and movies… which is the last of what I actually have… and all I’d know to do is shrug my shoulders and say, “Okay, Lord… what’s next?”

You don’t go through all I’ve gone through and stay the same.

But, I am happy to say that this segment of my life has come to an end. I’ve completed my task of why I was sent out into the wilderness up in North Scituate, Rhode Island.

And this is why my vision has expanded.

This is why new dreams have begun.

I'm stepping into a new beginning.

The time has finally come…

Entry 159: Whoa... Where Did This Prince Come From?

2011-12-03T21:38:00.001-05:00

I sometimes feel like two entirely different people… maybe three.

There’s the minister side of me, that I don’t think can remain hidden forever. What do I mean by that? Well, I don’t exactly roam the world with a huge badge on my shirt that says, “Hello, My name is Suzanne and I’m a MINISTER!!!”

Smile.

No, I’ve learned to FINALLY keep my mouth shut and not tell every single person I meet my whole life story and share with them things that, well, I really shouldn’t! I always thought I was just being transparent, but… sigh… I’ve often said WAY too much…

And then there’s the side of me that’s more or less humor bound with NO return! I get started and I just keep on, keep on, keep on rolling!

But… then there’s this other side…

This whole other side that’s not for everyone to see. It’s taken me quite some time to realize this. It’s GOT to be hidden.

And so I hide it…

But it’s always there… just beneath the surface.

And if you’re looking hard enough, you’ll catch a glimpse of it.

But this isn’t really why I’m writing this entry tonight. Nope. I have other things to discuss, primarily ONE.

Cycles.

Things happen in cycles. At least they do in MY life. And as I’ve kept a pretty good journal over the last two something years, I can actually SHOW someone the ways in which I’m tested and how the waves come!

This is why I can tell when something is a test… I analyze my life… because I want to have a BETTER life…

So, one of the truths I’ve found time and time again is this: The counterfeit always comes before the real thing.

I find it to be the utmost interesting of times in which someone has actually declared their undying love for me. They told me that I’m everything they’ve ever wanted in a woman, etc. And they even told me that they believe God’s behind us being together. It even went to the point of telling me that they didn’t care how long they had to wait for me…

Okay… what!?!

I had to take a small pause when this happened.

Hmm… all the RIGHT words… even at the RIGHT time…

But from the WRONG man!!

However, because I am the way I am, I did seek the Lord about this wrench!! You had better believe it!! And in my seeking, He showed me scriptures and opened things up for me and I’m now even MORE convinced of my own, personal convictions. This bit of information, which came to confuse me, has only made me push even CLOSER to the Lord.

And it left me with this lurking question…

How many hours, days, weeks and months did this man pray and seek the Lord in all of this!?!!!?!?!?!?

And that was the pivotal point in my train of thought.

I have more than two years of journal entries, MORE THAN 100,000 WORDS!!!, in my seeking the Lord about my heart issues. I’ve totaled more than two months worth of days I’ve fasted and prayed (since January of 2010). And the praying… and the scriptures… and the bearing of my heart to the Lord… and the isolation… and the gut wrenching agony of DEALING with my broken heart and the WORK it took to have it be RESTORED!!! Faith choice after faith choice after faith choice!!

I’ve got a SOLID two plus years of laying down some SERIOUS foundation for WHAT I believe and WHY I believe what I do.

And this is why nothing has been shaking me anymore.

The WORST of all possible news I could have heard came to me last month and I’ve not batted an eyelash!!! I’ve been so completely ostracized and isolated and abandoned and rejected it actually IS comical, in my opinion!! The lack of money… My face going in spurts of literally BURNING off because of my sensitivity to the water up here… And then the added bonus of even getting sick, my first time in TWO whole years!!

But it’s all a DISTRACTION!!!

It all comes in spite of the Word.

And once I realize this… I am a different person at my approach to ANY situation.

The enemy comes about LIKE a roaring lion, seeking whom he can devour.

So… when you FEEL your weakest, or you get yourself on a pedestal, THAT is when you’re attacked. NOT when you feel strong and ready to take on the world.

It’s always in the mundane of tasks and the “ordinariness” of life that is the real TEST.

Then, when the bigger things arise, that’s when you either shine or fall.

If you do fall, then your faith is weak.

And it must be developed.

Furthermore, as I wanted to merely confirm my suspicions that this person is merely in love with the IDEA of me, I went ahead and talked to them COMPLETELY AS MYSELF, and they HATED IT!!! They hated the REAL me.

So, you tell me…

Does that sound like a man who actually wants to spend the rest of his life with me????

Or does that sound more like an emotional kind of thing?

You will NEVER know what the Lord is wanting you to do until your ENTIRE will is surrendered and you’re desiring HIS will above your own, even if that means forsaking your own happiness for a time. It’s not always a question of waiting… it’s merely a question of “What is God’s will in this situation?”

That’s kind of the point.

Well, tomorrow I will be enjoying my day off, planning for my trip on Monday. I will be venturing out, again, to one of the beaches up here. I will do some homework and decide where I will be going for Monday… and I think I will be writing yet another post tomorrow…

So, have a good night….

And don’t be thrown off by YOUR Pseudo-Prince either!!!

The best is YET TO COME!

Entry 158: The Call to Ministry

2011-12-02T11:48:00.001-05:00

It doesn’t take long to figure out that my life is not ordinary.

There are very few things that I actually get to do and have that would be classified as “normal.” Instead, it seems almost as though I get touched with a little bit of everything, in just about every single area, just because it’s all part of the refining process. I have a mark on me, and so, I am CONSTANTLY thrust into fiery furnaces.

Having understanding that these trials all serve a purpose has made it to where I don’t dread these times anymore. I used to! Believe me, I used to hate every single second of them! However, they (meaning the circumstances I face) have brought me to where I now understand that you CAN rejoice while you’re IN a trial. You CAN be content, no matter HOW awful a thing is you’re facing.

Always remember, you aren’t going to have to take the burden of sin upon you (past, present, future), like Jesus did. You’re not going to face ANYTHING that the Lord wasn’t touched with, meaning, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Learning that truth has changed my whole outlook… especially when new things pop up.

Having this “weight” upon me as I get more and more revelation of what my actual calling is, it now makes even MORE sense as to why I don’t get to do the things that everyone else takes for granted. It’s like I just… can’t!

For instance, most people can just lounge around the house and they can get into a rut of watching television and kind of bum around. Well, I cannot do that. I’ve tried, and I frustrate myself till NO ends. Instead, I have to have SPECIFIC days where I literally SET OUT to do this. So, what do I, personally, do with my time? Well… to be honest… the ONLY thing I really end up doing in my spare time is reading the bible or other ministry books, writing in my journal (which is mostly the scriptures that the Lord is opening up and I write down my revelations and leadings and such), or else I’m going to the Lord in prayer about someone, or something. I do talk on the phone, but in very limited spurts. I do go out, but, again, it’s like these small windows of time I get.

I also know that a part of it is because I’ve been working on something the last two something years. And when you’re working towards a goal… towards a DREAM… you will sacrifice where you know to sacrifice to go towards it.

I guess that’s what I’ve been doing… except I honestly believe that the sacrifices I’ve made were all led by the Holy Spirit.

And when I say “weight,” I don’t mean like a harsh burden. I don’t really know how to explain it, except that it’s like the Lord has this special hold on me or something. I do VERY, VERY little without consulting Him on some level. I cannot even buy groceries without Him. When I wake up, I, alone by myself, cannot even decide what I want for breakfast. So, instead, I actually have to ask the Lord to help me with that. And, as I’ve really come to look forward to my morning coffee, every now and again He will show me to NOT have it, and I only later find out why. Yes, my conscience will not let me rest till I do all the things I believe I’m supposed to do. BUT, when I DO them, I have the most peaceful feeling and release that I’ve ONLY been able to experience by following Him.

He’s led me into the wilderness up here. He’s led me to freely give away my most expensive items I own… things I loved having… but it ALL serves a purpose. As I gave away all of these things that I held dear, the Lord LITERALLY removed junk from INSIDE of me. And because I was generous and had the right heart when I did these things (because the Lord loves a cheerful giver, not one that gives grudgingly), I know that’s why the Lord didn’t hesitate in removing things that I had NO idea HOW they were to ever be gone from me!!

He’s moved me into this level that I know really nothing about. I look at the world so entirely different. I talk to people mostly about surface things, almost cringing inside because I can’t talk to them about REAL stuff. However, when a door opens and I do talk, they look at me and say, “You make it sound so EASY!” And I blink because it really hits me… they know NOTHING about faith. Because that’s really the only way you CAN do the things I share. The just shall LIVE by faith (Habakkuk 2:4, Romans 1:17, Galatians 3:11, Hebrews 10:38). You cannot please God WITHOUT faith (Hebrews 11:5-6)! Anything that is not of faith is sin (Romans 14:23). When you know to do something and don’t do it, it’s sin… because there is no faith in that (James 4:17)!

Yes, I eat breakfast in faith. When I sit and eat a meal, I know I’m right where I’m supposed to be. And, if I keep feeling a nudge, it’s most often because the Lord’s wanting to show me something. This might also happen because I’ve struggled with food, so He calls me away from it to see if I will follow HIM, or my own belly.

I go to the grocery store by faith.

I read books by faith.

I take showers by faith.

I do my laundry by faith.

I write letters by faith.

And see, because I actually really do live like this, it’s not tiresome. I actually feel more FREE because I choose to do things like this. Why? Because I can end a day KNOWING I did everything I believed He showed me to do. I was at the RIGHT PLACE at the RIGHT TIME. I cannot afford to be off in la la land when the Lord wants to use me.

There is ALWAYS someone waiting on the other side of my obedience.

And if I don’t have direction about something… I STOP. I don’t take a single step until I get revealed knowledge about it (revelation). If the Lord’s not lit my path, it’s not time to step out… unless I want to do it alone. And doing it alone is awful and falls apart… it’s vanity. It’s selfish. It’s me saying that I know better than He. However, choosing to NOT light my own fires but WAIT is what creates discipline and crucifies the flesh. That waiting period is to push you CLOSER to the Lord and just seek His face. And then, when He shows you, you’re not panicked or anxious. You just breath a sigh as you SEE His goodness, and then gird yourself to take off running in the direction He’s shown you.

And with me being faced with SO many things that have been for my destruction, I am spinning each and every attack into a victory!! These painful instances that I’ve endured and fought through will ALL be used to further me in the ministry that the Lord’s bestowed upon me! The depths I can reach people has increased for I’ve been touched with the SAME feelings and insecurities and questions that they have!!

And I’ve OVERCOME!!!!

But I had to be humiliated and put to “death” first! I had to be brought very LOW in order to be exalted by His glory. I had to be pruned, and have to KEEP being pruned, so that my fruit stays fresh and radiant.

This shift is NO accident.

I am moving forward…

And I have only the Word to stand on… for NOTHING looks possible without it!

Today I will be venturing on my first road trip since the ones I used to take in Tennessee. Today I will be going to a beach in Newport, Rhode Island. I think I may even be at a place called Beavertail Point, which is more of a park than an actual beach. I’m not sure. I’ve never traveled around this state before, except to go to work or occasionally the movie theater! I also might go to a place called the Cliff Walk that’s in the area. I will have to wait and see.

But it feels amazing and exciting to know that today I get to DO something!! Today I have the leading to GO!

And today is a VERY special day… today is a resurrection day of sorts, for a NEW MAN shall arise and shine, stepping into his NEW life (Isaiah 60:1-2 AMP). My fervent prayers are effectual (James 5:18) for I can only speak WITH CONFIDENCE those things that the Lord shows me, instructs me, shares with me (John 16:13, Luke 1:4, Luke 1:45, I Corinthians 4:4, Mark 11:22-25, John 8:26, John 8:29, John 14:21, John 14:26, I John 4:6, etc!!).

“Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.” Proverbs 31:25

“Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.” Proverbs 31:30-31

“For the Lord God helps Me; therefore have I not been ashamed or confounded. Therefore have I set My face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame.” Isaiah 50:7

To be strong, one needs strength of MIND. If your thinking is renewed, the limits are endless! Your thoughts will either snare your actions, or catapult you into greater grace. The key is to find the distractions, quickly squash them, and train yourself to think on those things the Lord’s shown you. Make THOSE THINGS greater than anything else in your life, no matter how bad it all may look.

I have written this Entry to say this… I know that I will not get a single thing in this life if it’s not by faith. My ENTIRE life is to be a testimony. There is NO way I would have been able to have stepped into my dream months ago because, in all honesty, I wasn’t in faith about my DREAM! I was in faith about all other big, huge issues, but not the ONE THING I wanted more than anything in this entire LIFE!!

But when you remove the deception… you remove the dross from the silver… you sift through the distraction… you desire HIS will more than breath… you get alone and fast and pray and earnestly seek Him early in the morning and all throughout your days, weeks and months… you separate yourself (for you’re being ostracized anyhow) and you let go of your belongings and even the place in which you rest your head at night… it does something to a person! You get to the point where you realize that if you give yourself over to the things He shows you, it’s only then you are certain of the uncertainty of life. You know that SUDDENLY things can change!!!! You just have to stick it out long enough.

But if you’re shown things on the inside of you, and the Lord confirms with Word… MUCH, MUCH WORD, and everything around you speaks to you… and you have this peace as you’ve NEVER experienced before in your life… and there’s absolutely NO confusion whatsoever… and you’re CALM… don’t deny the Lord any further! Take Him at His Word!! The Lord is the ONLY one who can give peace!! The Lord is the author and finisher of our faith! The Lord is the only sense of REAL comfort that’s lasting… of real joy that endures.

REAL Love never fails…

So, now I must go and pack my bag(s) to venture off to the beach…

All I can wonder is… What’s the Lord got in store for today? I know it must be goodness…

Well, whatever it is… I’m looking for it.

My eyes are to that horizon…

Always!

Entry 157: My Mom

2011-11-28T23:18:00.001-05:00

Over the course of a one year span, I’ve had the privilege of being able to live with each one of my immediate family members.

It all began when I was in Florida and reunited with my father, whom I hadn’t seen, and had little contact with, for nine whole years. After an allotted time, I moved in with my mother during part of the transitional time before moving to Tennessee. And finally, I moved yet another thousand miles to live with my brother in Rhode Island. Yes, I have now traveled almost the entire eastern coast of the United States in just one year’s time!

And I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.

While there are so many stories and testimonies and lessons I’ve learned over this period, I want to primarily stay close to one particular topic in this Entry: My Mom.

I will have to start with the harsh reality that for MANY years, my mother and I have had quite a few… fights. What makes that so weird to admit is that I rarely actually argue with anyone. There have really only been a handful of people who EVER get this side of me, and yes, my mother has definitely gotten the WORST side of me when it comes to arguing.

Why do we fight so much?

I remember growing up and I would get SO mad if anyone even said a single word to me pertaining to me being like my mother. I would see these things she’d do and I’d think, “How can you even compare the two of us?! We’re NOTHING alike!!”

As I got older, I still didn’t understand a great many things about this woman… who was called my mother.

She drove me CRAZY!

I was absolutely convinced that SHE was the problem and that I was doing everything just perfectly.

Well, I openly admit that I was very prideful, very selfish, and very… blind. I was NEVER seeing what was really right in front of my face the entire time I was around, or talking to, my mother: ME.

Of course, after living with all three of my family members I saw where I picked up on little quirks and such. I saw the similarities and finally realized that I'm not the only one in the world who thinks a certain way, likes something a certain way, or deals with the same EXACT thing!

Being around your family is the BEST way to see where your strengths are… as well as your WEAKNESSES.

And, for me, my mother has been the biggest tool in my life because she’s been acting as a mirror for quite some time.

I was just afraid to look up into that mirror.

But when I finally did, and came face to face with it, it’s only then that the Lord was able to reveal to me WHY things got SO amplified when I was around this woman. And let me tell you, it was a FIRE to stand there and SEE just how ugly I, Suzanne, really was (and I still am).

Now, please don’t take this as though I am insulting my mother. To insult her is to insult myself, so I’ve come to realize, so why would I want to do that!? Even in the way I speak to my mom, not many people understand. Some of it has to do with me still needing to be… refined. But, the majority of the reasoning behind why I talk to my mom the way I do about some things is because she IS just like me. I know how I become stronger, and I’m DETERMINED in helping my mom become stronger!

I see my mom and I know she’s had a very hard life. I know why she’s struggled with certain issues. I know why she handles things the way she does.

I’m not making excuses, but I understand because I see the road that I WAS heading down, and I can guarantee that I would be in a much worse condition than her because, as being her AND my father’s daughter, I come up against an even MORE extreme battle than them BOTH!! Things really do manifest themselves to a higher degree when it’s passed down from generation to generation. In addition, I’ve also been called to be a WOMAN minister, and that alone makes me a target!

So, with that being said, me seeing my own reflection as I looked into that mirror (who comes in the form of my mother), was the very first time I saw myself.

Granted, I am most DEFINITELY my own person, there’s NO argument there, but the Lord has used her to help me in seeing where I was missing it.

Whereas in some ways I want to dive into what areas I’ve seen and made changes in because of what I‘ve seen in that reflection, I also don’t want to, in any way, make it seem like I am blaming her for my issues. So, instead, I want to go a different route with this.

Back sometime between 2003 to 2004 I had a vision of my mother and I in a church together, carrying on like old girlfriends. I could see our faces and we were BOTH so happy and glad as we shared back and forth. It was obvious in this vision that we got along without really any hitches… and it was GENUINE.

I remember seeing that, clear as day, during a “church” service was taking place. I remember sitting in my chair, and I was so baffled at this vision because it looked completely IMPOSSIBLE for that to EVER happen!

It was a seed.

And things got REALLY bad between my mother and I.

I mean B-A-D. Bad.

And I’d remember that vision from time to time and almost scoff at it… yet also lower my head. Why? Because I WANTED that dream to become a reality. I WANTED to be that close to my mother. I WANTED to know what it was like to have THAT kind of a relationship with my OWN mom… instead of everyone else’s!

Well, last year, when I moved in with her for a time, it was my third attempt to stay with her at her house. Other times had gone sour… REALLY sour. I didn’t know if I could bear this time NOT working out.

It ended up being the best time I’d EVER had with her… EVER!

And the best part is that I got to do it all in person.

Well, then I moved to Tennessee, and now I’m up in Rhode Island. It’s been since February since I’ve seen her, so we’ve maintained a phone relationship ever since. When I was in Tennessee it was nothing for me to spend anywhere from three to five hours with her just about every single Sunday. Sometimes we’d go every single day with some time on the phone, and sometimes it’d be for hours.

But… then we’d fight… over the phone!

And I would remember getting so discouraged because I WANTED so very, very much for us to get along and talk… just talk…

Then we’d be fine.

We’d be great!!

But then something would happen to where we’d argue again…

The cycle… the vicious, vicious cycle would return again and again!

I had more drama with my own mother on the phone than I did with anything that was going on around me in person!

When I moved to Rhode Island we began to talk even more.

And this all moved us to a VERY pivotal point in our relationship.

There were three key times where I had the opportunity to sever my relationship with her and harden my own heart.

When the second time came around, I’d already gotten myself to have it be a normal thing to forgive QUICKLY. It was amazing the manner and the gentleness in which I spoke to her. It was a rare time where I could FEEL God’s Love come through me as I spoke over the phone. I was firm, yet my compassion for WHY it all happened came out as well. I was amazed that I could see her side and NOT take offense. However, at the same time, I had already been given the direction to not speak to ANYONE on the phone for an entire week while I worked my very first week of overnights. And, best of all, I could tell her before I was going to be silent that I not only forgave her… but I was HONESTLY not mad either.

This all ended up causing her to SEE why I was so very upset. And thus, it brought us to a whole new level.

And this is something I love about my mother. She’s not exactly a quitter. She loves me and she’s not going to give up easily…

Now, at this new level, our conversations were able to be more intimate, yet I still had to caution myself. I knew something else was brewing. And when it came to a head, nothing’s ever been the same since!

Then, about two weeks later I had gotten the direction to reread my journal from a year ago and I came across something I had written that I believe the Lord had impressed upon me on December 26, 2010.

“I’m giving you the mother you never had…”

When I read these words at the beginning of my journal entry, I gasped. I put down my journal and just… stopped. Suddenly I saw that this was very much becoming a reality.

Some more weeks have gone by and now… I can honestly say that my mother really is one of the very best friends I have today. There are things I can discuss with her on such a level that is absolutely amazing, especially considering where we began! I can share with her the things that the Lord’s been showing me and she’s actually genuinely interested! She asks me ALL the time for me to send her my notes and to give her scriptures and isn’t afraid to ask me questions. She WANTS to know how I’ve overcome so many things.

I can stand here with my head up high and a smile on my face and say that I am SO very blessed to have this woman be as my mother.

Now, as that beginning vision of my mom and I being in a church together, carrying on as old friends do, doesn’t seem so… impossible.

None of my dreams and visions seem quite so impossible anymore.

Whereas this entire move to Rhode Island has literally been as a wilderness for me, it’s also responsible for the transformation that’s FINALLY taken place in me. THIS is what I’ve been waiting for! This, with where I stand today concerning EVERYTHING in my entire life, is the BEGINNING of my every single dream coming to FRUITION.

I’m no longer as that film negative, waiting to be processed. I AM processed!

And I am FINALLY in position to receive the things I’ve dreamed of and longed for.

There has never been a time in my life where I’ve been at such REST. Just pure, serene, relaxing REST…

The Lord is more real to me than any human being. He’s there for me all hours of the day and I can talk to Him about ANYTHING and He’s the only One who 100% completely understands me and knows EXACTLY what the solution is to my problem. As I continually make Him to be my FIRST love in this life, the MORE He gives me back.

One day, my mom and I will go into a church together and I will see, with my own eyes, that vision I had years ago, finally come to pass.

“And the Lord answered me and said, Write the vision and engrave it so plainly upon tablets that everyone who passes may [be able to] read [it easily and quickly] as he hastens by. For the vision is yet for an appointed time and it hastens to the end [fulfillment]; it will not deceive or disappoint. Though it tarry, wait [earnestly] for it, because it will surely come; it will not be behindhand on its appointed day.” Habakkuk 2:2-3 AMP

Entry 156: In Time

2011-11-24T09:29:00.001-05:00

I awoke at 5am this morning after having a dream.

I was very much aware that this dream held weight to it, but I wanted to go back to sleep. I figured I’d remember it when I woke up later and then I’d go about looking into it. But at 5 in the morning, I wanted to sleep. My sleeping patterns have been so out of the ordinary switching back and forth from doing overnights, mornings and midshifts, etc, that any sleep I get is cherished! However, after about a half hour of lying in bed, this dream playing over and over again in my mind… I knew I was to get up.

The Lord wanted to show me something…

As I tried to sit up in bed, I could suddenly FEEL the opposition of me searching out what the Lord was wanting to show me. I was becoming nauseous, weak, and my eyes didn’t want to stay open now. Then there was this jolt of confusion that was trying to set in and this heaviness and just a feeling of “blah.”

I know myself… I know that things tend to come in sort of “extremes,” so I knew that in order to overcome this, I’d have to really buckle down and stand against it. I know that if the Lord is trying to lead me to do something and SUDDENLY I am up against symptoms and all of this other stuff at one time, then it’s GOT to be important, whatever the Lord’s got for me!

For instance, as of late I’ve been this solid rock, standing firm on what the Lord’s revealed to me. I have His WORD that I’m standing on, which no one else gave to me, except the Lord Himself. I’ve gotten SO many confirmations and such along the way it’s nothing short of amazing! I’ve also written more than 30 pages in my new journal in LESS than a week’s time!! I get scriptures in my sleep, while in the shower, at work… all the time the Lord is confirming His Word.

Well, here’s the thing… the ONLY time I feel opposition is when I’m tired. Period! Tired and me do NOT mix very well. I despise “feeling” tired like you have NO idea!! So, it’s only when I’m tired and my body is worn (and yours would be too if you were jumping from doing overnights, to mornings and then midshifts at work!) that I am being attacked in a sense. The ONLY time!

And this made me realize something… I MUST be one strong chick if that’s the ONLY time I don’t completely feel the Lord’s peace and I’m having to fight to keep my stance. Furthermore, as I’ve been able to conquer that more and more because of the Word I speak concerning the issue at hand, as well as I give over my fears, doubts and unbelief, I’ve gotten attacked in another way, which I don’t feel I should disclose, at least not at this time.

So, as I was remembering all of this while I was “suddenly” tired and feeling the resistance to what I KNEW was the Lord wanting to show me something, I felt that burst inside of me rise up and I fought against it.

I MADE my mouth say aloud, as my eyes weren’t really cooperating in staying open, “You mean to tell me that, yet again, this is the ONLY time you can even TRY to attack me? You have to sink so low that you wait till I’m tired and THEN you come up to my face? You MUST know that I’m onto something if you’re this desperate in trying to get me to stray. So, no, I’m NOT going back to sleep! I’m NOT going to ignore this dream! I’m not going to do anything but follow what the Lord is showing me to do!”

And I MADE myself sit up. I MADE my eyes open. I got a smile on my face and made myself some Dunkin’ Donuts Pumpkin Spice coffee, excited for the time I’d be having with the Lord this early morning.

When I got back to my room, I could suddenly feel the opposition again, but this time I just shook my head and said, “Thank you, Lord.”

And that was it!

I knew which book the Lord was leading me to read. And that book led me to begin a couple of new books in the bible, a direction I’d been seeking since last Friday. By the end of my reading, the revelation came so strong… with such FORCE…

I already knew that this dream was about the ministry that the Lord called me to. That wasn’t hard to decipher. However, through reading the materials that the Lord led me to read, I discovered the SPECIFICNESS of my calling. It’s funny how I already “knew” it, but this was direct REVELATION of it, which always makes a thing more REAL.

And I sat in bed… with my eyes opened to what He’s called me to.

Now everything makes sense!!

Now I know why the Lord speaks to me the way He does.

I was always kind of not sure why I would get shown things WAY differently than other people. Why don’t other people get the SPECIFIC leadings like I do? Why do I always get these timelines? Why does TIME seem to be an element He CONTINUOUSLY uses when He reveals things to me? Why don’t others get this kind of direction as frequently as I do?

I’ve already been shown about a month ago specifically when I will be in full time ministry. I’ve already been shown something specific that will happen BEFORE I am in the ministry… even before my first book gets published.

The pictures I get shown… the dreams… the visions… the special insights…

I am telling you… my relationship with the Lord is MORE REAL to me than ANY other relationship I have in this life!!!

He will show me things and as long as I BELIEVE Him, it comes to pass.

Period.

This opens up a whole new concept of faith, believing and TRUST.

Jesus said that He could do nothing, and would say nothing, except what His Father in Heaven would instruct him, show him, or say to Him.

Well, I know NOTHING, unless He shows me… tells me… instructs me…

Here are some questions I use as a general guideline. I encourage you to ask yourself these questions as well. They come from Nancy Missler’s book Faith In the Night Seasons.

1. Have I prayed?

2. Is my will surrendered?

3. Have I waited for the Holy Spirit’s answer”

4. Are my motives pure?

5. Will this hinder my spiritual progress?

6. Can I see Jesus doing this?

7. Will this bring glory to God?

8. Will this offend another Christian or cause him to stumble?

9. Could I do this in Jesus’ name?

10. Would I want to be found doing this when Jesus returns?

11. Will this be a help or hindrance to Christians around me?

12. Will this bring harm to my body?

Furthermore, I have my own set of questions to determine if what I believe the Lord is showing me to do really is from Him, which I used in my last Entry:

1. Does it line up with the Word?

2. Does it line up with Agape Love?

3. Do I have peace about it? (or is there confusion?)

In addition, perfect love casts out all fear…

4. Am I in faith… or fear? Is my Love perfected?

(please refer to Entry 155: Where Faith Begins for more explanation.)

And if I can go and take those things and ask myself these questions and answer them with certainty… there are no bounds to what faith, hope and love can bring!!

I don’t have time for regrets. My time is precious and is a resource I’m not willing to waste. I must serve my conscience in this life if I’m going to get anywhere.

I never knew just how strong I was till these last couple of weeks.

I have never been so rooted and grounded in what I believe than I am right NOW. The days go by and I just become more and more solid in my steps. I know “less,” but I “see” more!!

All that’s required is that I believe.

But it sure has been a LONG journey for me to get to where I am today…

So do you really think I’m going to give up NOW?

Um… I think not!

And for the first time, giving up isn’t in my vocabulary. It’s not even a temptation. This time around the Lord doesn’t have to REMIND me to NOT give up… it’s not necessary.

What is inside of me holds as an anchor.

“And the LORD answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.” Habakkuk 2:2-3 KJV

“And then God answered: "Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. This vision-message is a witness pointing to what's coming. It aches for the coming—it can hardly wait! And it doesn't lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time.” Habakkuk 2:2-3 The Message

Then the Lord said to me, “Write my answer plainly on tablets, so that a runner can carry the correct message to others. This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. IT WILL NOT BE DELAYED.” Habakkuk 2:2-3 NLT

Entry 155: Where Faith Begins

2011-11-21T07:06:00.001-05:00

Where does our faith begin?

Well, let’s begin with the foundational scripture for this Entry, which, in all honesty, readily answers the question. There’s really no room for argument.

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12: 1-2 (KJV)

I combined verses one and two so that you’d get not only the meat of what I’m showing you, but also what was being said while this nugget of truth came out.

This scripture plainly states that Jesus is the author AND finisher of our faith.

Our faith originates from God Himself.

But I want to show you something else about these verses. I want to show them to you in the Amplified version because of how it opens it up all the more:

“THEREFORE THEN, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who have borne testimony to the Truth], let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us,

Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy [of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”

There is such richness in just these two verses, one entry couldn’t do them justice. But while it all goes hand in hand, I still want to primarily focus on faith itself.

In the Amplified version I want to bring to our attention where it says, “giving the first incentive for our belief.”

Stop and think on that.

If you were to look over different circumstances that have happened in your life, do you remember times when there was this spark of HOPE that came where you felt that things would work out, even though it all looked horrible around you? Do you remember being by yourself and felt miserable, but suddenly you’d see something wonderful that would happen in your future? Or maybe things are finally turning around, yet something even GREATER comes into your vision and you smile for that moment because maybe, just maybe, you could have that one day…

What God promises ALWAYS looks impossible!!

Why? Because this is the ONLY way that ensures that He alone gets the glory. When it’s all said and done, what was impossible became possible ONLY because the Lord intervened.

So, when you get that spark of hope, it’s putting forth a blueprint for your faith to follow. Hope ignites. Hope fuels. Hope gets you to stirred up.

And then it’s time for you to take action with your faith.

But there is something I want to touch on to bring balance. We need to be able to discern between True Hope and deferred hope.

“Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12

Deferred hope is what you want to avoid. The effects of this wrong kind of hope will literally leave you with a sick heart.

So how do you know the difference?

First, whatever the Lord leads you to do will line up PERFECTLY with His Word. If what you’re believing for goes outside the guideline of His Word, then you’re wrong and you need to allow the Word to correct you.

For instance, let’s say someone stole something from you. It’s late one night and you first jump over their fence, which has the sign that reads, “Private Property: No Trespassing.” Then, you sneak onto their front porch and you see it. There’s the thing they stole! You become mad and as you’re checking to see if anyone’s around, you march right up to it and take it back! Suddenly, the front door bursts open and there’s the person who stole from you. They come over, half asleep, yet full of adrenaline, and they’re ready to fight. Soon the cops come. You both go to jail.

See, that’s a scenario that should be avoided. (And yes, I know I talk in extremes...it's to make an obvious point.)

But how did it happen?

It all began with a THOUGHT.

“Someone stole from me and I want it back.”

That ONE thought trickled into the realm of justification for WHY it was okay to go and vindicate ourselves. This led to plotting and eventually actions followed those thoughts.

There’s no agape love in any of that.

And this is the biggest measuring tool you can use when trying to decipher whether or not something is right.

Is there Agape Love in it?

Now, if the person who had gotten stolen from had FORGIVEN that other person, things may have gone a little differently. If they had asked the Lord what to do about it instead of taking matters into their own hands, who knows what the Lord could have done in that situation.

It’s not up to US to determine how a thing should end… all we’re responsible for is to lay down our own wills and do those things He directs US to do. The Lord handles the rest, that’s not our concern of HOW He’s going to work it out.

So, what He will spark hope in us will ALWAYS line up with His Word, line up with Agape Love, and also have peace attached to it. This doesn’t meant that the thing will be easy or you won’t have to battle fear, but there should be a peace that surpasses all understanding when it’s the Lord leading you.

“Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4: 6-7

“For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.” 1 Corinthians 14:33

If you are diligently seeking the Lord and you find peace in the midst of turmoil, there is NO other explanation other than the Lord giving you insight and direction! If He is showing you that things will work out, then hold onto that. That is our job and responsibility. He is counting on US to be faithful to HIM so that His Will and His Glory can come to pass.

Our very lives, and those that are involved, is on the line when He gives us direction. It’s THAT serious!

For instance, let’s say that you need a vehicle. You’ve finally gotten a job, yet your food is running out and the bills are quickly going to be late. You can’t get to work without a vehicle, and your options are running slim to none. You’ve called around, but can’t find anyone who is available. You can’t ride the bus because they don’t come out where your apartment is located.

You’re stuck.

Now, someone that you may or may not know has had birthed in them to help you with a vehicle. However, they’re debating on the money issue, their time issue, and whether the Lord is really directing them in any of this.

Meanwhile, you’ve got to get to work in two hours and you’re trying to not panic for you really need this job and the money…

The other person is going back and forth… wondering… doubting… debating…

Do you see the issue here?

When we get a direction from the Lord, HURRY and test it to see if it’s the Lord and then JUMP on it!!! Don’t drag your feet!!! What if YOU were the one who needed the vehicle and the money!? Would you really want someone to take their sweet little ol’ time to help YOU!?

Of course not!

Even if you don’t know ALL of the details, all you have to do is take that FIRST step out in what you DO know to do and the Lord will show you the next step as you go. You don’t need to know everything before you do something. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be faith.

Faith isn’t knowing because you SEE, but knowing because you BELIEVE.

So, we now know that the three key elements when you’re sifting through things to know if it’s the Lord or not is:

1. Does it line up with the Word?

2. Does it line up with Agape Love?

3. Are you in peace? (Or is there confusion?)

So, if you’re still wrestling, this is what I recommend.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18

And so, I will show you how to APPLY this scripture to your life.

God IS Love.

“He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.” 1 John 4:8

So, 1 John 4:18 says that there’s no fear in love. Okay, so there is no fear in God.

Also, again, remember one of the other mentioned scriptures said that God isn’t a God of confusion, but of PEACE.

God = Love

God = No Fear

God = Peace

The opposite of hate is love.

The opposite of fear is faith (which we already determined that Jesus is the AUTHOR of faith).

The opposite of confusion is peace (and peace cannot come from ANY other Source except from God Himself.).

So how do we get to perfected love?

The word, “love” goes back to the roots of the Hebrew word “agapao,” which means to totally give yourself over to.

Now let’s look at these three scriptures because I want you to see how they intertwine and connect all of this.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18

“But whoso keepeth his word, in him verily is the love of God perfected: hereby know we that we are in him.” 1 John 2:5

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

If we give ourselves over to the Lord, then will we be in perfected Love.

If we lay down our wills to DO His Will, then we have given ourselves over to Him (which IS laying down our LIFE, like John 15:13. Our life is in our WILL... think on that!).

If we make faith choices to give Him our “justified” hurts, fears, resentments, doubts, anxieties, bitterness, jealousies, etc, it’s then that we’re giving ourselves over to Him.

If we forgive, we’re in His Will.

If we decide that doing HIS will is MORE important than us following what WE want to do, it’s then that we will be the living example of perfected Love.

It means it’s that you’ve placed Him as your FIRST Love, and all others are second in comparison!

So in your SURRENDER you will find that there IS no fear!!

Completely giving yourself over to the Lord, by laying down your own wants, desires, dreams and WILL, is what will move you into perfected Love… thus having NO fear! No torment!

And this is where you will find your direction from Him, even if it’s to wait and be STILL till the time is right and He will make your path lighted and plain.

In the meantime, trust that He will align your feelings to match your faith choice of following HIS will over your own.

For instance, forgiveness doesn’t mean you’ll feel rosy about the person you’re forgiving the very next day. Sometimes it takes time, but realize that once you honestly forgave that person, it’s only a matter of time till your emotions line up with that choice and then you’ll FEEL your choice later. You won’t have that tinge of bitterness when you see or think of them. You may even have compassion on them. (Which also do note that the Word says to pray for your enemies (Matthew 5:44, Luke 6:27, Luke 6:35). This makes it so that you’ll have a softened heart. It protects you AND the other person. It preserves your relationship with the Lord so that nothing hinders YOU in your own walk.)

When you get to the place where you aren’t in fear, it’s then that your faith will rise up. You will see things more clearly, regardless of what circumstances are “saying” to you or how they “look.” There will be this assurance on the inside that you cannot deny.

Furthermore, once this has happened, don’t be surprised when things come up later, when you’re not as fine tuned and strong, that will try to knock you over from your stance.

PREPARE yourself to STAND…

And don’t just stand… RUN with patience!

If you’re not ready to run, then keep preparing, otherwise you will faint along the way.

But during all of this, you will have a peace that surpasses ALL understanding. No one may understand how it is that you’re calm and peaceful during the trial you’re facing. No one may understand how in the world you could possibly think that things may work out…

But all that’s required of you is that you BELIEVE.

And in your believing, DO those things that the Lord’s leading you to do, no matter how insignificant they may seem.

And SOON… your faith will turn to sight!

Entry 154: Dare to Believe

2011-11-18T11:02:00.001-05:00

Anyone who knows me, or maybe has read some of these entries, knows that I am a woman who is pretty… dedicated… to live my life by faith.

So imagine my “surprise” when the Lord revealed to me that I’ve not been in faith about the ONE thing I’ve wanted more than anything!? That is how deception works. You “think” that you’re doing just SO well, but then when the blinders come off, you cannot help but feel humbled at your gross error.

But, the Lord is faithful, most especially when we are faithful to Him.

Those that honor Him, He will honor…

But before there can be honor, there MUST be humility.

Upon my arrival in Tennessee, the Lord had shown me what was at the top of my next mountain: Family. I could SEE myself standing next to a man. I was pregnant, I had a child on my hip and there were 2 or 3 kids circling us, all playing together. I saw a house in the background that had a chimney… and it was on acres of green, lush land with trees lining where our yard ended and it went into woods.

He had told me that He needed me to SEE what was at the top of that mountain.

But I didn’t know where to go from there.

And I fought Him the entire way…

I was NEVER fully persuaded in standing for my Family. Instead, I doubted and wavered and became a staggering fool.

I made a 1,000 mile move because I KNEW I was to move… but didn’t know if the man I was moving there for was “the one.” I wrote more than 160 letters to him because I felt directed to, but STILL didn’t know if this was the man I was to spend a lifetime with. I sowed and sowed and prayed and prayed and LOVED this man… yet I wasn’t sold out to him.

I held back.

And I held back from the Lord.

The ENTIRE time I was trying to protect MYSELF.

I didn’t want to give my loyalty to the wrong one… again.

Yet, at the same time, I WAS giving my loyalty to him. I didn’t care about another man, and the more I allowed the Lord to change me in other areas, the MORE I fell in love with this man and the MORE the Lord showed me…

Yet I still resisted!

And, mainly, because I was still trying to love him with my OWN love, instead of God’s love. It wasn’t intentional, obviously, but that’s what was happening. I would get so far and WANT to give up and I’d argue with the Lord about it… but EVERY SINGLE TIME the Lord wouldn’t LET me give up!! He would impress upon me how He couldn’t have me be with a hardened heart towards this man. He would give me scriptures about praying for him.

I’ve gone back through my journals (and still am), and I’m seeing the COUNTLESS scriptures He gave me concerning this man… yet I STILL wouldn’t become fully persuaded.

It wasn’t till I came up here and had to face all of my greatest fears head on that it made way for me to SEE the truth… and then deal with it!

I have changed so much in these last six weeks… just as the Lord said would happen.

Everything is consistent with His timing…

Everything is but a test.

Ever since I was honest with the Lord about how I WANTED to love this man with pure agape love, but I was really only loving him, wanting him to love me back, the Lord was then ABLE to transform my thinking. He asked me point blank if He put a love in my heart for that man. I was driving at the time, and I just looked out my windshield and said, “Yes.” And the Lord told me, “Then that’s all you need to focus on. You let ME handle who loves you back.”

Is that one-sided?

You betcha!!

But that was the answer to my prayer that I prayed to the Lord last year December. I had written him a letter saying that I wanted to love him the RIGHT way… God’s way. The way of agape.

And when that happened… it then led to the Lord showing me that this man IS the man I’m to love in this life.

Wow!!

And ever since that time, no matter what circumstances have shown up, I am FULLY PERSUADED on this matter. I feel more settled and calm and stable than I ever have in my ENTIRE life. I’m never lonely, regardless of how alone I really am. I am more sure of my steps and what I’m doing than ever before. I am finally comfortable in my own skin. I’m not so afraid anymore.

Being fully persuaded on this has changed me!!

I never realized that it was making such a mark on the rest of my life. But now that I’m settled… everything else is more settled as well.

I may not know the HOW on everything or the exact WHEN, but as long as I keep doing the things that the Lord leads and directs me to do, He will work it all out. In that, I am confident.

There is no greater love than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

By the laying down of my own will, I have found the love and the life that I’ve always dreamed of…

I’m just waiting for it to manifest itself and become tangible.

But I’ve waited this long… and now that I know… the only issue is TIME.

So, whomever you are, be encouraged! Ask the Lord to show you where you aren’t in faith so that you CAN stand and stand strong. Be that righteous man/woman of God (one of faith) and take your place as His joint heir. Get into position to RECEIVE all that the Lord promises as you fall more in love with HIM through your trials.

Though He slays us, we shall trust Him.

If you doubt,

You won’t stick it out.

But when you BELIEVE,

It’s then you’ll RECEIVE!!! ;)